Why is this harder for the people who bothered to test it?

RIGHT, Windoze 10 release day! Woot, yay, and all that cobblers. Looks like the upgrade process is going fairly smoothly for most people who didn’t actually test the damn thing.

So how the hell do upgrade?

Seriously, one of the most irritating things about Windows 10 is that it installs updates when it wants to, not when you want to. I left some feedback with extra details, actually:

Auto Updates Are Dumb

They pretty much don’t give a shit. But now, it’s not upgrading me to the official public release automatically! How ironic! Maybe it’s busted because I’ve been on Build 10074 for ages since the two latest builds on the Slow ring didn’t support my network drivers, meaning I couldn’t friggin’ get on the Internet.

So, I’m basically stranded on a pre-release build of Windows 10 with no way of upgrading to secure my free copy of Win10. The only option I have is to install Windows 7 again, run the Windows 10 installer from within Win7, upgrade to secure my free Win7 -> Win10 upgrade, then boot from the Windows 10 installer, format my drive and install a fresh copy of Win10. Because I don’t trust Windows’ upgrade process for shit and always want to install new OSs from fresh. I mean, my network driver issue was probably caused by the upgrade process. 😛

It’s a bit of a faff, but pffft, no problem. Can do. On it like a car bo… what the fuck:

Media Creation Tool MAXIMUM FAIL

I got this completely professional and informative error message when I tried to use Microsoft’s official “Media Creation Tool” or whatever it’s called to get an ISO to burn to disc. A-FUCKING-MAZING.

I found this Reddit thread which shows some other people are having the same problem. A solution suggested there was to make a new Admin user and try launching the installer from there. TeamViewer took a shit on me when I switched users, but eventually I managed to log in as the new user “PhuckinWindoze”. The downloader booted OK. “Ah, sweet, that’s fixed it; it’s downloading the ISO now.” I thought. “Everything’s backed up, so when I get home tonight it’s ready to go, should have it installed no prob– WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK”:


You are ACTUALLY shitting me, right? Windows’ sense of humour hur hur hur but it’s NOT A JOKE, this is ACTUALLY AN ERROR. The ISO that had appeared during the download was now nowhere to be found. I tried again thinking the download was duff, but nope. Same cocking error.

Then, you know what? Through a random Google search, I found a DIFFERENT webpage on Microsoft’s site that sends you to a place where you can just download an ISO. No shitty tools or something happening. The link I originally followed to get the Media Creation Tool was one that was on the Insider site. So yeah, Microsoft made it harder for the ones who actually tested their OS for them. THANKS. A LOT.

Oh yeah, and as Microsoft just loves to add a twinge of confusion, on that site there are two English region options for the download: “English” and “English International”. I wasn’t particularly sure which one to get, and I had to confirm that the latter was actually “English UK”. So if you’re actually English/Welsh/Scottish/Northern Irish, not American, you’ll want “English International”. Because of course, “International” globally means “Not America”… 😛

Should you upgrade? Kind of an impossible question, really. I’d say “not yet”. Partially because it’s probably still got 6 quadrillion bugs, but mainly because I have no idea of the state of the release build. 😛 I’ll go first and letcha know if it’s safe later on. 😉



Seriously. I just tried to burn this ISO to a DVD. ImgBurn claimed that the disc I inserted was a DVD-RW.

No. It isn’t. It just isn’t.

I ejected the disc and reinserted it and it picked it up as a DVD+R. CORRECT. “WELL DONE HAVE A COOKIE. Now burn the fucking image!”

Guess what? After an excessively long 15-minute burn, the verify failed IMMEDIATELY. THEN guess what? IMGBURN THINKS IT’S A DVD-RW AGAIN!


2015-07-29 19.57.25

WHAT IN THE SHIIIIIIIT?!?! Seriously, this is beyond retarded. I decided to humour ImgBurn by saying “YEAAAH you GO AHEAD and ERASE that DVD+R and then CRASH cuz you CAN’T.”




Be right back, gonna put my brain in the washing machine for a bit.


Okay, since EVERY DVD+R I was putting into the drive was making Windows AND ImgBurn say “HURRRR IT’S A DVD-RW YA WANNUH FORMAHT IT?!” I decided to put in an ACTUAL DVD-RW. Well, a DVD+RW if you wanna be pedantic. GUESS WHAT?!?!

It’s fine. 😛

No, I’m glad it didn’t come up as a DVD-R. I guarantee I would have just given up and gone to bed right then. 😛

Of course, I still have to pray that the burn actually succeeds. I think my DVD drive is busted since it has quiiiiiite a high burn failure rate recently. If it DOES fail, I’m gonna have to use my external drive. Hilariously, that is also unreliable. It likes to, y’know, RANDOMLY LOSE CONNECTION to the PC. For literally no reason. I’ll just be watching a video or something from it and BAM, BADUNK, media could not be found. Then half a second later, it reconnects. REALLY don’t want that to happen during an OS install. As a last resort, I still have the thing that helped me install Windows 10 Technical Preview in UEFI mode. My handheld video camera. Not even kidding. 😛

Anyway, time to eat while this ImgBurns. Hehehehheh shut up me.


Windows just showed me this:


What. I clicked on it, and Windows shows me this:


THERE ARE NO UPDATES FFS go and die! I can’t wait to get off this broken build. 😛




I can’t write a blog post in a MICROSCOPIC EDIT WINDOW!!


Right. It’s been about… 3 hours now. I’m STILL on Windows 10 Technical Preview Build 10074. THAT’S because the burn to the DVD+RW FAILED. No no no, actually, the VERIFY failed. Because the DVD drive fell asleep and ImgBurn couldn’t wake it up. The burn was fine; Windows picked up the contents of the disc no problem. UNTIL I REBOOTED. Then suddenly THE DISC WAS BLAAAAAAAAANK! Then, when I tried to re-burn the image, ImgBurn got stuck in an infinite loop when formatting the disc, going from 96% to 98% and then jumping back to 96%! All of this is happening while I’m TRYING to prepare Plan B by getting everything off my external hard drive, but THAT keeps friggin’ pooing itself as well, needing to take little breaks by disconnecting itself and throwing errors like:




FINALLY. The DVD is burned although the verify failed again. Adaptive Power (my external drive) has been formatted and is ready for Plan B. I’m gonna disconnect all my excess drives, and then it’s time to jump back to Windows 7 to upgrade to Windows 10.

See ya Technical Preview Build 10074! You’ve been alright. Apart from recently when you’ve been a slow-ass bag of turd. 😛


I am currently blogging from my phone like a spack, battling with shitting autocorrect bullshit and a cocking text editor that won’t FRIGGIN’ DO WHAT I SAY. Why? Because everything is FUCKING MAGICAL, like a unicorn SHARTING EVERYWHERE.

It took 30 minutes to get the Windows 7 installer to boot despite the fact that I’ve never ever had a problem with it before. After trying everything and eventually unplugging every USB device, it actually turns out that it can’t even launch in UEFI mode.

Then I had to install network drivers. It failed, because I needed the .NET Framework for literally NO REASON. As I downloaded that on my phone, the installation succeeded. What the fuck. I restarted like it asked me to, and guess what? Windows stops booting.



Startup repair fixed the problem. Whatever it was. Oh, and upon booting Windows, my network drivers that seemed to not install were working. WHAT.

Validated Windows 7. Got ready to install 10. THE DISC WAS BLANK. WHATTTTTT

Seriously, it HAD THE DATA ON IT! I checked it before rebooting to install Windows 7! It’s LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE that the data just DISAPPEARED!

So, I’be just been waiting for Windows Image Burner to burn the image back onto the disc. It’s done, and the data IS THERE. I am JUST about to boot the Windows 10 installer. HERE WE GO.


Can this actually get much worse?

The install completed successfully. Windows 10 was activated. Excellent. I then restarted to do a clean install. When I began the clean install, it asked for a product key. I entered my Windows 7 product key which I had just used to upgrade from Win7 to Win10. The installer said it was wrong. I checked. It wasn’t wrong.

I skipped entering the key and finished installing. Installed my network drivers. Tried to activate. Product key invalid. What the fuck. I thought they said you could do this?

Right… I’m getting fucking sick of this. I CAN’T upgrade my install from Windows 7 because I CAN’T INSTALL WINDOWS 7 IN UEFI MODE. Hello Microsoft? I have a UEFI motherboard and would like to use that functionality? The only way I can install Windows in UEFI mode is to install Windows 10 from fresh. But if I do that, hey, my key doesn’t work!

So. It’s nearly 3AM and I’m going to have to go through the WHOOOOOLE PROCESS AGAIN. Out comes the Windows 7 disc again! yaaaaaay


Mooooooorning. Urghhhhh. That was painful. Piece of shit OS. I have never had a Windows install go so badly before. Seriously, it kept me up until about 4:30AM. Now I’m at work, and my brain isn’t.

The stars aligned and I got it installed in UEFI mode. It turned out that you can install Windows 7 in UEFI mode. I mean, I tried that before but y’know, the installer wouldn’t launch. I fixed it by going into the BIOS, and instead of turning on “Windows 8 Support” (which deactivates Legacy drive mode), I left that off but switched the drive mode to UEFI only. The installer booted without choking. It still looked like BIOS to me, and I had to install Windows 10 before I was finally convinced that it really was running in UEFI mode. My bad, I guess? But kinda not?

Since it’s finally installed in UEFI mode after more than 6 hours of complete hell, I no longer care that it’s been installed over the top of an old OS. I’m calling it a win. All that stuff you might’ve heard about being able to do a clean install is complete bullshit. You can reset the PC to factory defaults, sure, and I guess that does count as a clean install because it apparently nukes everything. But by “clean install” I meant “install from a boot disc”, and you can’t do that if you upgraded from Win7 or Win8!

Of course, I appear to be wrapping this up as if I’m finished. The thing is, Windows 10 didn’t activate last night. It failed because of some licensing error three times before I gave up. The first time I activated Win10 before trying a clean install, it also failed in the same way once before activation succeeded, so it might be a server error.

Why don’t I just see if it activates now? Well, this is why:

Screen Shot 2015-07-30 at 11.37.07

An Internet outage in my area for the first time in about 1.5 years of living here. It’s like a huge joke. I wanted to use some of my lunchtime to TeamViewer into the PC and sort out some important stuff so that the machine was ready for me when I got home and faceplanted on the keyboard tonight, like restoring my documents from backup, installing Steam, Dropbox, Skype, Office, PlayClaw and all that. But noooooooo.

Well, I guess I’ve gotta wait. I’m pretty sure my next update will be the last one. I’ve also got a bunch more screenshots that I took during the install process in the previous update. I’d upload them but they’re on my PC at home, and heh, yep, no Internet!

UPDATE (windoze)10!!

Okay, it’s activated. Installed in UEFI mode, and activated. Thank fuck. 😛

So, what’s it like? Well… not a huge amount has changed from the Technical Preview apart from stability. All I’ve noticed is that Start menu has been tweaked and the calendar display that you see when you click the system time in the bottom right has been revamped.

They have almost ruined the Start menu for me by making one very small change. They reduced the number of columns per row of Live Tiles on the Start menu by one, and it’s absolutely senseless. Y’see, you can have a Live Tile in the following sizes: 0.5×0.5, 1×1, 2×1 and 2×2. I’m ignoring 0.5×0.5 because I don’t have enough stuff to put on the Start menu for me to use it. 😛 These dimensions mean that with a four-column Start menu, you can have a 2×2 next to a 2×1 or a 2×2 on the same row(s). With only three columns, those choices are nuked. You can only have a row consisting of three 1x1s, or one 1×1 and either one of 2×1 or 2×2. My old Start menu design:


I can’t do that any more. I don’t want Facebook on there, I want Calendar as a 2×1 above Weather instead, but I can’t. This is the best I can do:

My Start Menu

And it looks like dirge. 😦

I’d show you the new calendar but it’s just a calendar and I can’t be arsed to screenshot it. It’s pretty and stuff. Nothing that makes you go ERRMAAGEERDD NEED TO INSTALL WIN10 NAO

One thing that made me explode when I got it installed for the first time was THIS:

Windows Install 6

WHAT. THE FUCK. GET THAT FUCKING SHIT OFF MY MACHINE RIGHT FUCKING NOW is pretty much what I said. 😛 That, and friggin’ Twatter, and all the other cunting bloatware apps. Why MUST they bundle Sport with it? I don’t want it. If I wanted it I’d install it myself!

I’m not even going to talk about Solitaire Collection. Just go look up what they’ve done if you wanna know. 😛

One notable improvement from the Tech Preview is Quick Access. Thankfully, you can make it usable by unchecking recently used files and frequently used folders:

Yay Quick Access configuration for non-morons

This prevents Windows from clogging it up with a random jumble of files you poked recently, limiting it to stuff you’ve pinned, i.e.: stuff you actually want to see in there. You can get to that window by right-clicking the Quick Access option in the Explorer sidebar and selecting Options.

I can’t really think of anything else notable that’s changed. It feels infinitely more stable than the build I was on, so I’m actually gonna go ahead and say it: yes, you should really upgrade to Windows 10 now. It’s fine. Probably. 😛 Usability-wise, it’s… pretty much as good as Windows 7. It’s a bit better, actually, thanks to UEFI and a better Start menu.

As for the install process, the least brain-melting way of doing it is to install Windows 7/8 from fresh, then upgrade to Windows 10 from within that. You can then clean up the files left over from the upgrade process by running Disk Clean-up, then selecting “Clean up system files” when the initial scan completes. Of course, if you’re not sure whether you want to keep Windows 10, I’d hold off on doing that; it’ll make downgrading easier. 🙂

When you have Windows 10 installed for the first time, if you really want, you actually can do a fresh install from BIOS. Apparently. Someone I know did so by pulling out his Windows 10 key using Magical Jelly Bean Keyfinder, then reinstalling Windows 10 from BIOS and entering this key during setup. Instead of going through the process of installing Magical Jelly Bean Keyfinder, though, you can do it way quicker with this VB script. Download and open it, and boosh, your product key is displayed in a dialogue box. 🙂 This method seemed to work for my friend, but I haven’t verified it myself.

Right, I think that’s it. If anyone has any questions about Windows 10 or the install process or anything that I probably missed, feel free to drop a comment. 🙂 For now, though, I’m gonna drop myself on my BED. I’ll leave you with the most awesomest thing I’ve seen in the past month:


Windoze 10.

I remember when Windows 10 was announced. The first thing I posted on Facebook after the announcement was this:

Windows 10.

I actually didn’t understand what the hell they were thinking when they came up with the name. It’s almost like they went “Ahhhhh, we should call it Windows 9, but that’s what they’re EXPECTING us to do, so let’s do one more and call it Windows 10 YEAAAAAH!” 😛

A somewhat believable explanation is that a lot of software developers actually do something like this:

if( windowsVersion.startsWith("Windows 9") )
    // Do stuff for Windows 95/98
    // Do stuff for Windows 2000 or above

But if this is true, it’s stupid, completely the fault of software devs and Microsoft shouldn’t be working around it. If you wanna know what version of Windows the user’s running, you should be using the kernel version number. Windows 95 was called “95” because it was released in 1995, durrr. Its version number was 4.0, not 95. Windows 7’s version number is actually 6.1 and Windows 8 is 6.2. Although that explanation makes sense, it’s still not believable.

Anyway, whatever the reason, it’s Windows 10, not 9. But, it also made me make a joke about how they actually stopped developing Windows 9 and went straight to Windows 10. Y’see, every other version of Windows is shite, so if they did that, they’d be bypassing a good version of Windows and skipping to the next crap version. Look:

Windows 95 = Good
Windows 98 = Shite
Windows 2000 = Good
Windows ME = Shite
Windows XP = Good
Windows Vista = Shite
Windows 7 = Good
Windows 8 = Shite
Windows 9 = Would’ve been good
Windows 10 = Shite?

Makes sense, right? 😛

Not sure if that’s actually the case, though.

A “Technical Preview” of Windows 10 has been available for some time now. I installed it as a secondary OS very soon after release, but I didn’t really want to commit to using it and only played with it for about half an hour. Now, though, I’ve been using it since my major upgrade (Pwnage-O-Matic V6; new motherboard, CPU and SSD!! 😉 ).

It’s basically an alpha. Stuff can break, and there’s a high chance stuff can change drastically between builds. You also get asked questions very occasionally while using it, like “how hard was it to find the setting you were looking for?” Oh, and I’m pretty sure nearly everything I do is being monitored. 😛 There’s also a dedicated app for getting news about Windows 10, and another app for leaving feedback or bug reports. Most of the feedback people give is completely useless, and I don’t think the rest is really looked at. Maybe glanced at from time to time. 😛

So what’s it like? Pretty decent, actually! Despite being an alpha, it runs pretty smooth and doesn’t crash as much as I was expecting. In fact, I’ve had the most BSoDs from trying to render in DAZ Studio, and I’m not sure if Windows was at fault.

Since my new motherboard is UEFI-compatible, after a lot of poking around and an unlikely hero (my point-and-shoot video camera formatted to FAT and connected via USB was the ONLY method I had short of wiping my external hard drive :P), I figured out how to boot and install Windows 10 in UEFI mode. Let me just say HOLY MOTHER OF GOD it boots like friggin’ LIGHTNING. Seriously, I started the computer and pressed the power button on my monitor. By the time my monitor turned on, Windows had ALREADY booted and was ready to go. In no more than 15 seconds. I had to reboot and test it again to make sure I hadn’t accidentally booted out of sleep mode!

Of course, it isn’t that much of a big deal. Mac OS has been UEFI-compatible for God-knows how long, and Windows already had it in Windows 8. It’s just mind-blowing when you experience it for the first time. 😛

Right, yes, Windows 10, the user-facing stuff. 😛 The most dramatic difference is the Start menu. Yes, START MENU. IT HAS ONE


What they’ve done is taken the Metro interface that doesn’t work on PCs and the Windows 7 Start menu that doesn’t work on tablets and made them have a baby. The left side is pretty much automatic and can’t really be customized, all you can do is remove items you don’t want there. The right side is totally customizable and you can have anything you want. The most recent build lets you split your stuff into sections, so as you can see in that screenie, I have a “General” section for stuff I wanna see or get to quickly, and a “Drives” section for quick, direct access to my drives. Further down (you can scroll) I also have “Tools” and “Windows Store Games”, the latter being almost completely empty save for Asphalt 9. Which I don’t really play because the car handling is laughable and The Crew and Carmageddon Reincarnation are better. 😛

I think it’s really awesome. Unlike the huge, horrendous Start Screen, the new Start menu doesn’t completely break my focus when I open it. With the Start Screen it was like “WHAAAAA HUGE FULLSCREEN MENU WHAT’S GOING ON I JUST WANTED NOTEPAD”

It’s currently quite fragile though… 😛

Lol Start Menu

You CAN make it go fullscreen, but lol no thanks:

Ew no be smaller plz

There’s not enough to add to it to make me want it any bigger. 😛

Let’s ‘ave a look at File Explorer next…

File Explorer

It’s the same as Win7. 😛 Well, actually… no, that’s untrue. It’s the same as Win8. Because ribbon. Hrrrrrhh. :S THANKFULLY, it’s not commonly used unless you’re unfamiliar with keyboard shortcuts, and can be hidden with that small arrow next to the help button in the top right. The only useful commands in there are under the View tab; hiding/showing filename extensions and hidden files, and hiding/showing files. That’s… pretty much it, because you can get everything else through the context menu. 😛 Files are still sent straight to the recycle bin with a press of Del, but I actually like that now. Getting a confirmation dialog in Windows 7 for a non-volatile delete operation was really starting to grate. Shift-Del still brings up a confirmation, which is good.

The ONE thing that’s REALLY annoying me is that annoying friggin’ “Quick access” link in the sidebar. I just want it to go die in a fire.


It gives you a random jumble of files and folders you recently accessed, all mashed in with any files or folders you explicitly add to quick access. I don’t understand how this is useful to anyone at all. If you constantly access a specific Word or Excel or whatever file, surely the most natural way to open it is to open Word/Excel/whatever and select it from your recent files list in that program? That would be just as fast as going into Explorer and looking for it in quick access. It’s like a dumb fusion of two completely unrelated menus, Favourites and Recent Files. It actually replaced Favourites in build 9926. Favourites was the same thing, but it only contained what you wanted in there, and could be arranged in whatever order you wanted. So why the hell did they remove it?! 😦 << I wanted an angry smiley but WordPress doesn’t have one because it SUCKS. 😛

Oh, and OneDrive as well. I want that to piss off but you can’t get rid of it either. >.<

What else… ah yes, they have improved snapping tools now. You know that in Windows 7 and 8 you can grab a window and push it against the side of the screen to make it “snap” to that side of the screen? Windows 10 expands on that and lets you snap to a corner now, and if you have two monitors, you can snap to the inside of a screen without needing to use WinKey-Right or WinKey-Left, WOOT! 😀 Also, when you snap, you get a display on the other half of the screen, which easily lets you choose another window to snap to the other side, which is pretty neat:

Snappy Snappy!

It feels like an OS designed for PCs, but with the new Microsoft style. It doesn’t feel confused any more. Like, “Desktop” is no longer an app, for example. There’s no annoying bar that appears at the side of the screen when you hover there for a sec. You close apps and windows by clicking their X buttons, not by dragging them to the bottom right of the screen. You shutdown, restart or sleep by pressing the power button on the start menu, not by going into Settings. It’s… nice. 😀

Although speaking of Settings, that’s one part of Windows 10 that still feels confused. Control Panel still exists and can do pretty much everything you want it to do, but there’s a Settings app which does… almost as much, and is Windows’ “preferred” way of doing things. As in, when you click the Network icon in the taskbar, it launches the Network section of Settings instead of going to Network and Sharing Centre in Control Panel. It’s been improved in the most recent build, but I still want to use Control Panel for everything.

Other niggles… well, unfortunately, the All Programs list… sorry, all APPS list in the Start menu is pretty horrible now, Windows comes with pre-installed bloatware apps, and apps still exist. 😛 But since apps act almost the same as normal programs, I’ve gotten used to them (not like I use them much at all), and I have all the programs I commonly use on the desktop. If a program I want isn’t on the desktop, I just use the search bar, so I never need to use the all apps list. 🙂

If you’re wondering about Cortana, I haven’t been able to try it out because:

Like I Care!

Not sure why it’s not available in the UK but I don’t care. 😛

So yeah, I quite like Windows 10 in the state it’s in right now, well, apart from the looming possibility of a nasty crash. 😛 As for the pricing, well, it’s actually going to be a free upgrade for all Windows 7 and Windows 8 users. Yep. 🙂 Kinda concerns me about why it’s free, though. Maybe people’ve been pressuring them about how Mac OS X users get free major upgrades, but y’know, you have to get something when you pay about twice as much than the computer’s worth. 😛 I guess we’ll find out in due time if Microsoft have some sort of smartass proviso up their sleeve. 😛

Unlike the Windows 8 Consumer Preview, I will link the Windows 10 Technical Preview here:


If you know what you’re doing, have your important data backed up, don’t mind large, somewhat frequent updates and you’re interested in trying Windows 10 yourself and watching it evolve, I’d definitely recommend giving it a spin. 🙂  Probably not a good idea installing it on a family computer or something, though. 😛

I think that’s all. Lemme know if there’s something I haven’t covered that you’re interested in. 😀 See yaz! 🙂

A message for you, Microsoft. Re: Windows oO.


I recently heard about the release of the Windows 8 Consumer Preview. At first, I looked at the screenshots of it and almost mistook it for the Windows Phone 7 OS, even though it’s supposed to be an operating system that you can install on ANY COMPUTER, including this thing I have called a “desktop PC” which doesn’t have a touch screen and never will. Still, I was eager to try Win8, since I love Win7. I couldn’t find a general feedback button in Windows 8 that I could use, which is strange since I know you people LOVE FEEDBACK SO MUCH AND CARE SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT THE END USER THINKS. So instead, I have detailed my experiences here for you to peruse.

The Windows 8 download was painless, and setting up my flash drive was easy. However, I did notice that you still can’t write properly. Backing my files up to “another ‘save’ location” was especially difficult to understand since I am sure I set Windows 7’s language to English, not Retard. “Move or copy your files to a safe location before you continue” is the grammar I would expect from one of the richest companies in the world.

The Windows 8 installer was easy to use since it is exactly the same as it has been since Windows Vista. When installation had finished, I noticed that there was a 10 second countdown before the computer restarted, and a button to make it restart immediately. I found that quite funny, since the timer is completely pointless in every way. One possible solution is to tell your programmers to not be a complete set of fools. Remove the timer, and instead make the computer restart immediately when the installation has finished. Would have been less programming to do. Durrr.

Then, finally, the big moment. After inputting my computer’s name and choosing a theme from a range of extraordinarily boring shades of colour, I was asked to choose a wireless network. However, I am sane, and use this thing called a “wire” to connect my computer to the Internet, because a “wire” gives more bandwidth and less latency. It is also more stable, more secure, and you can’t lose signal randomly or get interference from a microwave or something. Because Windows didn’t give me an option to choose a WIRED network, I decided to skip this step. It turned out, funnily enough, Windows had already connected to the Internet through the wire, yet still asked me to choose a wireless access point. Almost as if Win8 did not expect me to use a wire. I found that quite… odd. This IS an operating system for PC, right?

I then, on the next page, noticed a sign-in box. I believe the words that escaped my mouth at that moment were “WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, I NEED TO SIGN INTO AN ONLINE ACCOUNT JUST TO USE MY COMPUTER?!” Thankfully, I found that you could create a local profile, because like, who would ever want to make an online profile which lets you keep your Start menu settings but allows others to access all your documents and pictures if they happen to gain access to your account? And who would want to buy things from an “App Store” when using Windows? And who actually wants to put their personal data on a server owned by a group of people they don’t even know, anyway? It’s such a stupid idea, isn’t it? Even so, I still made an online profile just to find out what all these GREAT NEW FEATURES were like.

Eventually, I made it to the Start… SCREEN. Being a Windows user for many years, I found it quite shocking when I suddenly had no idea how to use Windows at all, and ended up checking to see if my brain was still attached. It took me a few moments to realise that I was still using a desktop PC, and almost had to stop myself from smearing fingerprints over my fairly new, non-touch screen monitor. After a short while of taking in this horrendous interface that looked like it took 3 minutes to design, and while trying to make myself believe that this was still Windows, I managed to see the Desktop icon. I touched… sorry, CLICKED on it, and it brought me to my desktop. Wonderful. However, I’m not sure if any of your developers have noticed this, but I believe they have accidentally amputated the bottom left corner of Windows. I reached for the Start button, but it wasn’t there. Things went downhill rather quickly from here.

I have no Start button, but when I hover over where it is supposed to be, I see a little image of the Start Screen. I click it… and I’m back to this horrible UI. It’s confusing enough already, and I don’t even want to think what it would be like with any more squares on there. In fact, I already know, because I went to the “App Store” and chose to browse all “apps”. It was like I was having some sort of nightmare about shitty interfaces.
It took me a while to figure out you could right click in an empty space and access even more “apps”… no, sorry, every time I say the word “app”, it reminds me of Apple and hence makes me feel sick. So why don’t we call them “programs”, eh? Because you’re not Apple, this isn’t a dedicated mobile OS, and you’ve been calling them “programs” since at least Windows 95.

Anyway, continuing on – it took me a while to figure out you could right click and access even more programs… all of them displayed as bland squares and uncategorised. So instead of going through that, I went back to my desktop and clicked Start, wanting to open Computer. “Oh damn, wait…” The Start Screen opens. OH GOD DAMN I’M FORCED TO USE THIS.

I then came to a realisation. I believe you had employed Xzibit and were watching Inception on repeat while developing this OS. Desktop is now just a program, but I can have several programs running inside Desktop, as well as several programs running outside of Desktop. So I can have programs running in my program.

This screenshot demonstrates the TOTAL GENIUS of running two completely different versions of the same kind of program in two completely different types of interface – IE on the right, and IE on the left side of the Desktop, near MiniXzibit. And by “TOTAL GENIUS” I actually mean “THIS MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE AT ALL WGHAGT THE HFICK

At this point, I was becoming very frustrated and confused. I found out you could grab the top of your current window… er… panel… window? Is it a window? Okay, for clarity, let us call the windows in Desktop “windows (not the operating system)”, and the windows in the Start screen “pieces of shit”. So anyway, I discovered you could grab the top of one of the pieces of shit and drag it around for some unknown reason. You could also pin the piece of shit to the left or right sides of the screen, but it was like a really stupid version of pinning windows (not the operating system) to the sides of the screen in Desktop (not the start screen). I couldn’t find a use for it and assumed it was just a feature for dumbasses who want to look intelligent or something. OO LOOK I CAN “MULTYTASK” FFS go home mobile fags

My sanity was runihg short and I was getting alittle biut less inteligernt as evbery moment passed. I decidsed to delete a screenshot I jst took, since I had alratady copied it to my exst.. eckstern… er… outer brick drive to upload l8r. When I pressed “DEL”, HOLY SHIT THE FILE DISAPPEARED STRAIGHT AWAY. This is dum. Wat if I accidentally pressed da DEL key on, lyk, a file dat waz pritty emportant? Like say PAGEFILE.SYS? Or the SOURCE CODE FOLDER for ULSG V13? CONFIRM A FILE DELETE OPERATION LIKE YOU ALWAYS HAVE DONE FFS! You’re not supposed to be turning into Mac OSX! In fact no, that’s quite unfair to Apple. To delete something on a Mac, you need to press two keys at the same time, CMD + Backspace, so it’s pretty difficult to accidentally delete something!

Then, I went to Recycle Bin to empty it and fasjdkpfgovuoerivgrogurvgbiqwegfbviwervareqwtrbrtbnesrtyg

Just to try and reassure myself that you hadn’t totally lost all your brain cells, I then opened Computer using a shortcut I placed on Desktop earlier like a normal person, and ladfuwyaqfcvlieewcqaweergvaqakhgfsrfgvergbvretgbvt

THE RIBBON. Microsoft, YOU KNOW 98% of people hate that thing… so WHY IS IT NOW PLASTERED ALL OVER EXPLORER?! I almost had to run to the toilet and puke.

I eventually had a lot of pieces of shit open, and wondered how I could close them. It took me about 5 minutes to figure it out. Closing a piece of shit by dragging it to the bottom right corner of the screen – how is that in any way natural? HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA, how about you make it so we can hover over the top right corner AND CLICK A BIG X BUTTON?! Windows has been like this SINCE THE START – why does it need to change?! Oh wait, you haven’t changed it… wait you have OMFG it’s like you’ve made an OS in an OS AND IT’S CONFUSING AS HELL!

I’d seen enough; the chances of me upgrading to this gayness had already hit 0%. I wanted to get out of this not operating correctly system as soon as possible. SADLY, I discovered a brand new problem! I hovered over that tiny little square in the bottom right which is apparently supposed to mean something, and the computer COMPLETELY LOCKED UP. Since I somehow managed to burn a cable that powered my PC case’s power button a long time ago and hadn’t gotten it replaced yet, I had to open up the case to press the motherboard’s reset button OH WAIT WINDOZE STARTS RESPONDING. I get up, move the mouse to that square in the bottom righ SUDDEN LOCKUP. I pressed reset cause I couldn’t be arsed.

I booted Win8 again, continuing from where I left off – trying to figure out how to shut it down. I hovered over the Square of Death again, and nothing happened. Oh wait it did, I just had to WAIT a moment. It brought up a menu with some vaguely labelled options on there. I didn’t see “power” anywhere. I clicked the “Start” option, but it just closed that little menu.

I then discovered that clicking the Square of Death ZOOMS THE START SCREEN OUT. OH GOD NO, imagine this screen, only full of little squares and rectangles which represent programs.

I’d die.


Microsoft, well done. You have successfully created something WORSE than Vista. My suggestion is to fire all those responsible for this turd (as in literally FIRE, POW SPLAT GRAVEYARD) and go to hell without passing GO or collecting £200. Which is probably how much you’ll charge for this bab pile.

(Desktop PC User)

Everyone else, for your safety, I am NO WAY linking the place where you can test this not operating correctly system. Find it yourself if you’re so eager to cause yourself pain, or if you just like ignoring me for some really retarded reason.