FINALLY, they got this monster right.

Well, I’ve had a 3DS for a couple months now. Not regretting it even slightly. Even if I’d bought it for full price I wouldn’t be regretting it. 🙂 It’s so nice to have a portable console with more than 4 games on it. 😛

I got a few extra games since I last posted. The first one was Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Gates to Infinity. I bought that because of Explorers of Sky, its predecessor, that I played on an emulator. Twice over! I quite liked the gameplay; it was a pretty simple dungeon crawler, but occasionally, it got quite brutal, and you had to stop and think about what you were gonna do next or you’d get hammered. It almost felt like a roguelike at times. Almost. 😛 Its strongest point by far was its story, though. Explorers of Sky had such a great story and such good characters that I can’t actually think of a game that surpasses it. It’s almost embarassing to admit that, and I feel like there has to be a game with a better storyline or better characters, but I don’t know why I can’t think of it. 😛

The new one, Gates to Infinity, didn’t disappoint either. The gameplay is almost the same, but a bit easier; they disabled the hunger system in all dungeons apart from the uber 99-floor endgame dungeons, they removed lookalike items (dangerous items that had very similar names to helpful items, eg: Oran Berries heal you, whereas Oren Berries cause damage), and Monster Houses (random rooms that contain more items inside than usual might turn out to be almost completely rammed with enemies) seem less frequent since I managed to get through more than half the game before I stumbled upon my first one. I mean, I only wiped out twice throughout the whole storyline, and one of those was due to insanely bad luck; an enemy used Peck which steals and uses a random item if it hits, and it just so happened to pick a Blast Seed I had lying around in there which does big damage to anyone in front of the item user. 😛 But despite the lower challenge, the story and characters were the highlights once again. I just found the characters so great that I actually ended up caring what happened to them. And okay, I’ll say it; I was that close to losing it at the end of the main story. 😛  Why? Why can this spin-off do it and pretty much no other game can?! I mean, even my most favouritest game of all time, Diablo II… the story was goodish, and some of the characters were good but I never really cared about them. It’s weird, especially when you consider I don’t actually like the vast majority of Pokémon, so it’s nothing to do with the fact that they were Pokémon or anything. I guess the Japanese are just better at making heartfelt stuff. 😛 The game time in Gates to Infinity was a little shorter than Explorers of Sky; I clocked 50 hours on the storyline compared to EoS’s 61 hours, but that’s not exactly something to snort at, especially when EoS has a much longer secondary storyline. I really hope they make another Mystery Dungeon, but judging by the sales and general reception of GtI (even in Japan), that really doesn’t look likely. Interest in it looks like it just divebombed from Explorers of Sky. 😦 No idea why, I mean, Victini could sell it on his own:


I also got Phoenix Wright: Dual Destinies. It took me friggin’ ages to realise it was a download-only title. 😛 I was a bit wary of it for some reason, but it turned out to be really fun as usual; completely ridiculously convoluted cases, over-exaggerated speech, a guy who is allowed to throw shurikens at you in a courtroom, the same overworked judge presiding just like almost every previous case, it pretty much has it all. 😛 Although, I dunno if it was just me, but it felt like there was much less interaction this time. Like… there was much more reading and less actual thinking and cross-examination than usual. And the end of the final case was kinda strange and felt kinda unfulfilling. That, and I never really got stuck. Made some mistakes, but I never got stuck like I did with some of the previous games. Still, I reckon it was pretty good. Lasted quite a while, too. 🙂 The one thing that pissed me off about it the most, though? The sheer. Amount. Of spelling errors. I cringed the first time I noticed one. “Nggggggg, a spelling error in a visual novel?! Noooohohohooooo, that’s bad.” But then they just kept appearing again and again. And again. It eventually went beyond human error and beyond a joke. It was just flat-out careless. I started taking pictures after the fourth mistake; here’s a few samples:

The truth will always WIN*...You cannot POSSIBLY* overturn my claims...In which WE* live...To OVERLOOK* critical symptoms...

Since I have about 15 more, I’ll just leave it there before I post way too many. 😛

Despite the immense spelling errors in that one game, I have no regret for buying the console. But that’s just because of the games, not because the system is any good. The 3DS itself is pretty average. Well, no, I’d say below average, actually. There are a bunch of issues that just annoy me. Take the ergonomics. I’ve already mentioned how uncomfortable the system is to hold before, but it’s really annoying now. If you’re not playing an action game, it’s fine. However, if you are, you tend to grip the console a bit harder than normal, and it starts to hurt pretty quickly. This brick of a console presses into the bottom right of my right palm really firmly, and the bottom left of my left palm too. Whatever you call those locations. 😛 After it presses too much, it gets quite uncomfortable. :/

Another annoying thing is the 3D effect. I’ve gotten used to it enough now that I can have it on max. But eventually, I noticed something was wrong. Certain objects, usually objects that stand out amongst their surroundings, seem to appear appear “ghosted” quite strongly to the left and right. At first I thought it was my eyes, and tried turning down the effect. Then, after noticing the issue on the setting I used to use, I started to think it was a calibration issue. I’ve recalibrated about 4 times and messed with the manual calibration (whatever that’s supposed to do) to no avail, so it can only be the crappiness of the effect itself. I still like the effect and think it makes a pretty significant difference, but this ghosting issue ruins it almost completely. Faulty device, maybe? I doubt that; it seems like this kinda thing would be a software bug.

Other gripes include the stupidly low pixel density yet significant frame drop when using the 3D effect which, in combination, demonstrates the device’s idiotically low power. And despite this low power, the battery life is fairly short, meaning that the battery is probably cheap and low-capacity. Nintendo can’t seem to let go of the past, either. In this age where it’s common for a 6-year-old kid to know what kilobytes and megabytes are, Nintendo still insists on using blocks as a unit of measurement. Fucking blocks! What the hell is a block?! The last non-Nintendo console I know of that used blocks as a unit of measurement was the Xbox, and I’m pretty sure even they don’t know why they used it. I mean, Sony had already dropped it and switched to KB after the PS1! One other thing? Nintendo sucks at the Internet. I mentioned in a previous post that you can only save three sets of wireless access point information, which is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. But the amount of time it takes to connect to various online things is amazing. No, I can assure you it’s not my connection. 😛 Connecting to the server to browse DLC for a single game takes about 40 seconds, which isn’t much less than the amount of time it takes to open the entire eShop! Oh, and about the eShop? It can either download one file at a time while the console is open as long as it’s not interrupted, or it can queue a bunch of stuff to download, but only if the console is put into sleep mode! What the hell? Why can’t it download while I’m doing something else with the system?! Christ. Even the new C-Stick is pretty shoddy. It’s weird and completely devoid of feeling, and because it’s so small, it has a microscopic range.

Hah, YES. Finally. Been waiting to find the right place to mention the C-Stick for ages. 😛 Since I’ve mentioned the C-Stick, that means I’ve got a game where I’ve been able to use it, and that game was supposed to be the focus of this entry but I DO THIS ALL THE TIME SOMETIMES. 😛

This game has pretty much been my nemesis ever since I played it way back when. The reason why it’s my nemesis isn’t really because of the gameplay or challenge or because the game was crap. It’s because it’s the only game I seriously wanted to like, that I couldn’t like. It had an awesome concept, but it’s like they made the game without thinking about anything important at all. It was a great game hidden behind layers and layers of artificial challenge, a terrible learning curve, stupid choices and tons of catch-22s.

Monster Hunter.

Fuck you Kut-Ku. And fuck you Kushala Daora. 😛

So from my words, obviously, my experience with Monster Hunter has been pretty rocky. The first one I played was the original on the PS2, but I can’t remember it that much. All I remember is that I gave it a try out of curiosity, but it pounded me into the ground somehow and I gave up. Some time later, after I managed to get custom firmware installed on my PSP, I thought I’d try out Monster Hunter Freedom 2, which I’ve actually posted about a couple of times before. I went through the tutorial quests and did pretty well, and started to think they’d greatly improved their game’s difficulty curve from the original. Nope. 😛 After I left the tutorials and started on the quests, I immediately noticed something. The weapons provided in the tutorial were different from the ones you start with. “Different” as in “WAY more powerful”. I had serious problems with the Velocidrome, which is a… well, guess. It’s a velociraptor. 😛 Wait, was it the Velocidrome? Nonono, it was a Giadrome; that’s it. Although it’s pretty much the same thing, just a texture swap and possibly different spit. 😛 Anyway, it’s the first large monster. It took me 20 minutes to beat it. And no, I didn’t complete it first time.

I didn’t really understand why I was having such a hard time. I mean, it was the first quest. I didn’t have the materials to upgrade my weapons or craft any armour. Eventually, I made some headway by switching to the Light Bowgun and suddenly ended up destroying the Giadrome. I start riding the wave, clearing quest after quest, but then all of a sudden, the Yian Kut-Ku turns up and wipes me out. It’s the first wyvern you come across, a quite-scrawny-definitely-looks-kinda-like-a-chicken wyvern, but a wyvern nonetheless. 😛 It nuked me. Absolutely nuked me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t beat it. Because you don’t know exactly how much health your target has left, I was convinced the AI was cheating by switching areas and recovering most of its health when I wasn’t looking. This was the monster that made me give up.

It wasn’t just the Kut-Ku. It was that absolute spastic learning curve that gets you used to the power of weapons you don’t own before suddenly dropping you against the same monsters with dramatically weaker weapons at your disposal. There was the complete inaccessibility of multiplayer, too. To play with your friends, or anyone, you need to be in the same room at the same time, which isn’t really possible when you live so far away from each other. Not many of my friends owned a PSP, and none of them really seemed interested in Monster Hunter anyway, but I reckon it would’ve been way easier with a team-mate, even some other random nooblet like me. 😛 I believed that having two targets would make the AI lose the plot completely. 😛  My biggest problem with the game, though? The controls. On the PSP, they didn’t make any sense at all. There’s no lock-on, and I can’t really see why not, because lock-on eliminates the “camera wrangling” layer of Fake Difficulty; making the camera impossible to control makes the game more difficult for no good reason. In Monster Hunter, you can make the camera look in the direction your character is facing by tapping L, but if you wanted to move the camera to look at the monster you’re targeting, well, the camera controls are bound to the d-pad. Which, on the PSP, is above the analog stick. So to control your character and move the camera at the same time while still having access to the rest of the controls, you needed 2 left hands. -.-

Or, well… so it seemed. But I’ll get onto that in a bit. 😉

About a year after dropping Monster Hunter Freedom 2, I was playing Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker when I discovered to my complete surprise that it contained secret missions based on Monster Hunter. 😀 After I made Snake cook a Well-Done Ration and shoot a Rathalos about 30 times in the face with a rocket launcher, I thought I’d give Monster Hunter yet another chance. Why? I dunno. MGS Peace Walker may have had Monster Hunter missions but it played completely differently and I only just hesitate to say that I reckon it was the best PSP game ever (I only just hesitate because Patapon 3 was also immense 😀 ). I mean, I found it possible to use the camera while moving for one thing. 😛

MHFU annoyed me when I started it up because it looked exactly like MHF2. 😛 It turned out that it was an expanded version of MHF2, meaning it was exactly the same apart from at least two things: G-Rank endgame quests against stupid monsters no-one in reality could ever kill short of using many many anti-tank missiles and/or a nuke, and when playing solo, a Felyne companion (they’re epic anthropomorphic kitties 😀 ) who was completely useless at dealing damage but amazing at taking hits by distracting stuff away from me. 😛 But no, soon, I noticed something else. I cleared most of the quests to the end of 2* and only fainted twice. One of those faints was “uber-cheap”, as I explain here:

Fighting Velociprey, took two of them out. As I was gathering from them, the camera screwed up and got stuck near the wall, and the sound of the Felyne throwing bombs at the other Velociprey drowned out the sound of Tigrex entering the area. I heard the danger music start, thought “What the fu…?”, spun my camera around, and saw Tigrex’s grill right up in my grill. He fired an ice blast, which knocked me down and took out a massive chunk of my health bar. Got up again… but the Random Number God said “you’re stunned”. Couldn’t do shit. Tigrex then bit my head off. Screwed by the gayness that is the RNG.

Yep. Sounds pretty cheap. 😛 But despite this… I was doing alright. And it didn’t make any sense, since it was exactly the same game as MHF2. Either they had dropped the difficulty dramatically, or I had improved by not playing it for about a year. 😛 I kept piledriving through the quests all the way up to 4*, and ended up switching to the Long Sword midway through. I also ended up mastering a technique I later found out to be called “the claw”, allowing you to both move and control the camera. Basically, while you have your thumb on the analog stick, you bend your index finger back and curl it forward like a claw. This is generally incredibly uncomfortable, but it places your index finger on the d-pad, so you can control the camera. 😀 Hell, I was doing so good, I even ended up making a complete mockery of my old rival, the Yian Kut-Ku, by accidentally killing one with a kick. 😛

But then, just as I thought I was really “getting” it, SPLAAAT! I ran into a difficulty cliff.

There were two quests that stopped me from breaking past 4*. One was to beat a White Monoblos, which is a sort-of-wyvern that frequently burrows underground and just moves around aimlessly with its fin poking out of the sand, and there’s no point in running after it because it can move about three times faster than you. The standard Monoblos took 25 minutes for me to beat, and apart from rendering the quest as cleared, it was actually detrimental because I used a lot of items but didn’t get any materials I needed. The other one that stopped me? Kushala Daora, the first actual dragon you encounter. Er… “actual dragon” as in “not a wyvern”. Even though wyverns are dragons. Oh whatever, what I meant was that Kushala’s a Western dragon, not a wyvern like nigh on everything else in Monster Hunter. 😛

Kushala Daora was Fake Difficulty personified. Or… well, dragonified, if you prefer. 😛 He has a wind shield that makes you stumble if you go anywhere near him, making close combat insanely difficult. But since insanely difficult isn’t hard enough, he’s ultra-fast, and his scales are so hard that the very few attacks I managed to land using a weapon with green sharpness usually ended up bouncing. I couldn’t GET anything higher than green at the time! I didn’t actually understand what the game wanted me to do about it!

But wait, there’s more! I haven’t told you about the catch-22’s! Apparently, if you attack Kushala’s head and break his horns, the wind shield completely disappears. However, you can’t, because the wind shield knocks you back if you get too close! In the event you DO land a hit, it bounces, because the sharpness required to cause meaningful damage is higher than is available at that point in the game! Now, you can poison him to stop the wind shield temporarily, but I hit him with five poison throwing knives and nine poison smoke bombs and didn’t poison him once, so I’m pretty sure he’s IMMUNE to poison. The only way I can imagine beating him is by being a distraction while a team-mate with a bowgun/bow shoots the crap out of him.

I even tried looking for some kind of guide. Just a few hints on how to deal with the wind shield, what weapon and armour people recommend, how to go about attacking, any tell information, whatever. Best recommendations? Use a weapon made from unobtainable Rathalos materials, and a full set of armour made from unobtainable Tigrex materials. WHAT. THE FUCK. They were monsters that appeared in THE NEXT TIER UP, or maybe even higher! That made me feel like the game really was impossible, because they’d obviously had to hack that equipment into their game just to beat it. Either that, or I was playing some broken version of the game or something. What’s more, because Capcom are stupid as hell, you only unlock arena missions against specific monsters for practice and bonus materials until AFTER you beat the monster for the first time. DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I deleted it and swore I’d never play another game from the series. Monster Hunter 3 came and went, and I laughed at it because it came out on the Wii, an even less suitable console for it.

I’m crap at keeping my word, though. 😛

Ever since I got the 3DS, Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate has been breathing down my neck. I kept seeing it on the eShop store, kept seeing it in the recommended list on Amazon because it probably knew I had a 3DS, kept seeing it advertised by Amazon in the sidebar on Facebook because Facebook is fucking creepy and spies on my browsing habits, and I kept seeing it in newsletters from GAME and ShopTo. It was all over the place probably because it’s basically The Game That Sells The 3DS. 😛 I kept thinking “No, I’m not playing it. It’s screwed me over way too many times.”

I can’t remember when I did it or why, but I eventually buckled and downloaded the demo from the eShop. 😛 It was a pretty bespoke demo. The first thing it asked was whether you were new to Monster Hunter or not. The first time I played the demo, I said I was a beginner. That option makes you stronger than normal and gives you two missions, one to fight a Great Jaggi (a bigass dinosaur), and another to fight a Tetsucabra (a bigass frog but it’s quite a badass bigass frog 😛 ). I did them in order using the weapon I remember the most from MHFU; the Dual Blades. The fight with Great Jaggi showed off the new mounting system, and the fight with Tetsucabra showed off the insane vertically-inclined environments and your protagonist’s legs of steel. 😛 Great Jaggi was beaten in a blink and Tetsucabra wasn’t too hard either. So, I switched to experienced, and not at all to my surprise, a third mission appeared; one to take down Gore Magala, a completely badass black dragon who definitely hates you. 😛 I got him using the Dual Blades on my third try, which was way faster than I expected. I actually kinda enjoyed the demo, but I was still super-wary. I mean, you were given preset equipment and items. I wasn’t convinced that the equipment the demo gave you would be obtainable at that point in the real game. Still… Monster Hunter was back on my radar. I thought “Well, I’ll consider it if I find it cheap somewhere, but £35 is way too steep to take a chance on it.”

Guess what was on sale recently? 😛

I picked it up for £20 a couple weeks ago now. And I can barely believe how much I am BULLDOZING everything.

Seriously, I’m at the end of 4*, where I was blocked in MHFU. I’m about to fight the Gore Magala that I fought in the demo and I am completely confident that I’m gonna win. On my way here, I’ve fainted ONCE, and that was because I couldn’t fucking MOVE. It was during a mission where Gore Magala appears for the first time, shows off, and attacks your boat. Since the dragon takes about 60% of the space on the boat when he’s landed, there’s pretty much nowhere to move when he does. I got pinned against a corner underneath Magala while he did some attacks that I couldn’t really see as I desperately tried to run or roll THROUGH him somehow, and eventually I just gave up and let him drain my health. But that’s literally the only time I’ve fainted. What the hell? Have I just gotten better at games or something, or is MH4U just easier?

I think the main reason why is because I did some proper weapon tests and found a new favourite. I went through the majority of the weapon training, getting used to each of the weapons before entering the arena with a Great Jaggi, timing myself from that point. I logged 4 minutes 16 seconds with the familiar Dual Blades, and finally proved to myself that I’ve been wasting my time with that mediocre weapon all along by posting a time of 2 minutes 56 seconds with the Long Sword. Then something unexpected happened. I picked the Insect Glaive, one of the two new weapons. Without fully understanding what I was doing, I FLATTENED the Great Jaggi in 2 minutes 17 seconds. What. Thinking it was a fluke, I tried again. 1 MINUTE 53 SECONDS. Holy crap!

Understandably, the Insect Glaive became my new weapon of choice. This overpowered-as-hell I-can-do-literally-everything-except-block-but-why-would-you-waste-your-time-with-blocking weapon has nuked every single anything that’s gotten in my way so far. Was that my problem from the very beginning? I’d been using the wrong weapon? It must’ve been at least part of it. 😛

But anyway, now that I can actually play the game properly without being butt-raped by the weakest monsters in the game, I can progress through the game and attempt to enjoy it for once. And as for the biggest, most immense improvement MH4U has over the previous games aside from the more reasonable difficulty? Wanna know? Go on, guess.

It haaas… A NARRATIVE.

Top lel, yes! It actually has an additional sense of progression outside of the number of stars shown by the name of the quest. There’s a STORY. It only took them THIS many years to realise Monster Hunter didn’t have one despite the fact it’s a role playing game and could easily have had one from the very start. 😛

It’s not the best story in the world, but because it has one and it’s interesting enough, I want to know what happens next, and it’s cool to make the story unfold. “Hey mate fuck up this Gypceros because we need its stuff to make a boat!” Ooh, where’re we going? What’s the boat gonna look like? Ahh, I’m not gonna know until I help out the village by splattering this bigass Nerscylla first! OHHHH SNAP I’M ON A BOAT, take a good hard look at the motherfuckin’ boat, yeaaaaaaah! OH SHIT, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING OH GOD IT’S A DRAGON WITH AN EYE FOR CRAFTSMANSHIP AND IT HATES THE BOAT A 13-YEAR-OLD-GIRL DESIGNED, BOOOOSH SMASH WHAAAAM oh damn we barely made it to land. Gore Magala, I’m totally gonna smash your face for messing up my boat BIIOOOOTCH!

*ahem* Yep. So because of the things I madly wrote down in the previous paragraph (if it even qualifies as that) without re-reading them yet, Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate is actually a good game for once. 😛 It has a story, a unique vibe and good sense of humour, a camera that can be controlled properly, a deepish combat system with a large selection of weapons that feel unique, and a realistic difficulty curve. Finally, I can enjoy the game I’ve always wanted to enjoy.

Obviously, there are some flaws. The most obvious one is the weapon balance. I can’t believe that the Insect Glaive is that powerful. It’s overpowered. Hell, even the Charge Blade is overpowered, because I still don’t understand what I was doing with it when I managed to rank it second fastest at mullering a Great Jaggi on my second attempt. Hell, it was faster than the Long Sword which I know how to use already. I’m gonna have to go back through the weapon training at some point and post a list of my best times with each weapon.

Another flaw is their inability to teach new players properly. Going through the weapon “tutorials” feels like trying to cram for an exam; it gives you ALL of the information while the game is paused. You can’t move around while the dialogue appears in the corner and try out the weapon as he explains the controls. -.-  Also, some of the tutorial messages only appear when you do what the tutorial message teaches you. I ran off a ledge and was immediately interrupted by some dialogue that said that you can run off a ledge (or evade off a ledge if you have your weapon drawn) and attack for a mid-air attack that has a chance of knocking down monsters and opens up a mounting attempt. I’m pretty sure I could’ve figured that out for myself eventually. 😛 Thankfully, you mount your first monster automatically in a cutscene, so I learned how to do that before I did it for myself. However, it still felt like a cramming session, because the game was paused while it explained what buttons to press while mounted.

I don’t like this looming feeling of needing to grind for equipment, either. Well, I say “looming”, but it already happened, actually. I spent about 4 hours a day for the past three days trying to get TWO friggin’ materials I needed to complete a set of armour that I wanted before taking on Gore Magala. I needed two Gypceros Heads to trade for Basarios Scalps. Now, if this game made any sense at all, this would be no problem. I mean, you just kill two Gypceros and take their heads, right? Noooooo! You see, item drop chances and conditions are hidden from the eyes of normal players. After killing about 12 Gypceros and capturing another four without a single one dropping a Gypceros Head, I had to turn to the Internet where people somehow have this kind of information. You know what the drop chance of a Gypceros Head is when you carve its body? One percent! ONE!! Despite the fact that I can see its head riiiiiight there! Goddamn it, no fucking WONDER I never found one! It turned out that the best way to get one was to go for the much more realistic 30% chance when you break the crystal on its head and then complete the quest, because breaking its crystal means you can cut its head off, obviously. 😛 Anyway, this was kind of a good learning experience because I decided to try the Hammer after finding it does big damage to Gypceros when you hit it in the head but reduced damage everywhere else. I thought that would reduce the chance of accidentally killing the monster before breaking its crystal. After breaking one of their crystals but failing to kill either of them and almost running out of potions and antidotes after 25 minutes, I gave it up to recover my items, registering my first ever failed/abandoned quest in MH4U, and concluding that while the Hammer may have a massive damage value, it’s actually a steaming pile of shit and I will never touch it again outside of training. 😛

I got the two heads in four kills after switching back to the Insect Glaive and being more precise. 🙂 So, with this armour, I’m pretty much ready to kick Gore Magala’s badass tushie and bitchslap that “Ace Commander” after he says “WHOOOOAOOAOAOAOAAHHHAHHAHH”. 😛 If I do that, I’ll reach 5* for the first time. 😀

Well, fuck. 5000+ words. Sorry, I’ve written waaaaaaaay too much. I’ll shut the hell up now. 😛 But I’ll probably be back tomorrow at some point to update this monster of an entry to tell you about how I smooshed Gore Magala which will make it EVEN LOOOOOONGER! 😛


Hey Capcom? Achievement Unlocked. (not)

Capcom didn’t make WordPress, so no, I’m not talking about this shitty site which still irritates the hell out of me. I’m talking about the one series that’s stopped them from achieving a perfect record with me. Monster Hunter. Yes, I love MegaMan. I love Dead Rising, even though technically they didn’t MAKE it. I love Street Fighter. But for many years, I’ve wanted to take a Great Sword and hunt down the developers of that irritating hack ‘n’ slash. 😛

The thing that got me the most was that it was an AWESOME game at its core. Very nice selection of weapons and armour, a fairly deep combat system, and I really liked the semi-free-roam map style, where you could go anywhere on the map at any time to go gather stuff or whatever, but the maps weren’t huge to make hunting annoying, in the “required travel distance” sense. 😛 I REALLY, REALLY wanted to like it, because I could sense there was a seriously deep, rewarding, long-lasting, satisfying, fun game there.

However, this gem of a game had been shat on with a pathetic, clunky, ridiculously overcomplicated control system, inaccessible and ambitious multiplayer, various other irritations such as “JUST USE THE FUCKING ITEM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, STOP POSING!!”, and of course, Capcom’s signature difficulty curves, which are more ridiculous than almost ANYTHING.

The difficulty curve is unpredictable; one moment you’re in the training school using fairly powerful weapons, raping the shit out of every monster you come across, even the training boss! After that, you’re in the main quests, doing alright, and then suddenly, WHAM. A boss battle. The boss kicks your ass to the moon. Of course, I blamed it on my weapon choice, so I changed to dual blades. Same thing. Tried Sword and Shield. Same thing. Lance, Gunlance, Long Sword… all useless. Then I pick up the Light Bowgun and DESTROY the boss. WHAT?! :S Then, as I was doing well with the Light Bowgun, I get the dreaded Yian Kut-Ku quest, which is the point where I usually fail so hard I give up. And… well, yeah. It trampled the crap out of me. Multiple times. And each time, I never knew how close I was, because there is no enemy health bar, and I SWEAR that the bots were cheating. Disappearing into another area for a split second, and regaining all their health. They’re monsters, they don’t HAVE health potions, and they already have enough damn health as it is! So I gave up.

That was Monster Hunter Freedom 2. I thought that, with a friend, I’d grow to enjoy it. However, that brings me onto the multiplayer inaccessibility.

To play a game of Monster Hunter with a friend, you need a friend who has a PSP, a fairly unpopular and expensive handheld console which no-one ever uses. Furthermore, they have to like Monster Hunter and own a copy of it, which isn’t really that easy when it comes to MY friends. 😛 Also, you both need to be in the same place at the same time with a fair few hours to spare. All in all… almost impossible. 😛 What’s more, when they released Monster Hunter 3, they released it only on the Wii, which has the worst netplay service in the history of the world. Do any of my friends that I speak with on a regular basis own a Wii? One. Do they play Monster Hunter? No. Do I even own a Wii? NO. 😛 Furthermore, releasing it on the Xbox would have actually reached the audience who LIKE those type of games. And it would have support for DLC, and it would have better graphics, a smoother framerate, and better controllers. And it would be much easier to find someone who would want to play it co-op. Because I actually have a 360. And some of my friends could get the demo to try it.

Capcom, go to school. Go directly to school. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 intelligence points. 😛

So, what’s the point of this entry then, you ask? Well, partly to vent, but mainly to say that I’ve recently given Monster Hunter ANOTHER chance. That’s FOUR now. 😛 Normally, I’d NEVER give a series more than two chances, but this just shows how much I really WANTED to like it. 😉

This time, it was Monster Hunter Freedom Unite. Or as they call it in Japan, Monster Hunter Portable 2nd G. Yeah. 😛 Downloaded it a few days ago after discovering that MGS: Peace Walker actually contained secret Monster Hunter missions after fulfilling a bunch of other conditions. Oh yes. Hideo Kojima – psychotic, awesome legend of games design. 😀

MHFU annoyed me when I started it. Because I found out that it is pretty much EXACTLY THE SAME AS MONSTER HUNTER FREEDOM 2. Same areas, same weapons, same dialogue. Same story. Same everything. GAY. Under my criteria, any game like that gets an instant ZERO on the F.A.G.G.O.T. Rating System. But, I decided to give it a chance, and went through the beginner missions and all that, until I got to the point where you hire a Felyne recruit. As in, an AI to help you on missions.

Awesome idea… juuust a BIT flawed. You see, AI has never actually been intelligent. They only seem intelligent in simple games such as Pacman, but that doesn’t really make them intelligent. 😛 The Felyne I chose CONSTANTLY throws bombs, and around 30% of them end up landing on ME. Another 50% miss, and the rest actually hit the target and cause… minor damage. 😛 The best thing that I’ve seen so far is that the bot is an EPIC distraction. Three Velociprey and a Velocidrome? Fairly tough as a newbie when they’re all trying to jump on your face. But, when the Velocidrome and one of the Velociprey is attacking your basically invincible companion, EASY AS PISS. Take out the extras, then focus on the Velocidrome. Unleash maximum rape, QUEST CLEAR. Didn’t even get a chance to retreat. 😀

I’ve only fainted twice so far, and I’ve almost cleared the 2-star difficulty level. And one of those faints was uber-cheap. Fighting Velociprey, took two of them out. As I was gathering from them, the camera screwed up and got stuck near the wall, and the sound of the Felyne throwing bombs at the other Velociprey drowned out the sound of Tigrex entering the area. I heard the danger music start, thought “What the fu…?” , spun my camera around, and saw Tigrex’s grill right up in my grill. 😛 He fired an ice blast, which knocked me down and took out a massive chunk of my health bar. Got up again… but the Random Number God said “you’re stunned”. Couldn’t do shit. Tigrex then bit my head off. Screwed by the gayness that is the RNG. 😛 However, actually managing to beat a Yian Kut-Ku and the whateveritisyoucallit that comes after him with only a single faint between them, shows that either I’ve improved dramatically by not playing it, or Capcom have actually realised that it’s IMPOSSIBLE for beginners and dropped the initial Japanese Difficulty Cliff.

I don’t get it. It’s pretty much exactly the same as it was before, so why has MHFU managed to convert me? This happens extremely rarely at this kind of magnitude, so Capcom can hold their heads high. 😉 Maybe I shouldn’t speak too highly of it yet – I still haven’t reached 3-star. Maybe we’ll see the classic “it’s impossible unless you have friends who play Monster Hunter” problem then. 😛 I still stand by my claims of a GAY control system, and really stupid things the developers put in probably just to give it a “lighter” feel (such as that ANNOYING “look at me, I’m awesome” pose when using an item, etc.), but overall… it’s not bad. Let me just do a F.A.G.G.O.T. Rating…

Fun: 6/10 – Fun, and it has great charm… but it can get a bit tedious, and there are various irritations, such as gay controls.
Audio: 8/10 – Nice music. The sounds are mostly nice, too, but this gets bonus points for the EPIC NPC voice acting. Speak to the farm guy, you’ll see. “S!!” 😀
Graphics: 7/10 – Nice models, but some textures are stretched and that’s NOT nice. The framerate is very steady, and the environments look nice.
Gameplay: 8/10 – Challenging, but not to the point where you want to kill yourself. The gameplay also feels quite rewarding, and very deep. Great combat system, and a mostly awesome bunch of monsters. The big letdowns are the clunky control system, and the feeling that this could have been done at least a little better on any other console.
Online: 5/10 – One word: Inaccessible.
Total (after Importance Machine): 6.9 (Very Good). (lolumadbro? see updates.)

Remember, I use a 0-10 scale, not a 6-10 scale like normal reviewers do. 😛

Anyhoo, that’s that. 😀 I’m off to see if I can complete 2-star level, and to find this inevitable Japanese Difficulty Cliff. Buh-bye! 🙂


Okay, nope. I’m at four stars and I’m still doing okay. Apart from the fact that the AI blatantly cheats every so often, and the Random Number God is NEVER on your side. And the Plesioth is gayer than anything ever. 😛 Still feel like I want to throw the PSP at the wall every so often because of these things, but the good moments outshine the bad ones. 😀

Especially what I accidentally did last night. 😀 Now, I don’t care whether you’ve got a maxed out character that can take out anything in one hit or whatever, because what I did was so much more awesome. 😀

I was on a mission where you have to take out a Kut-Ku and a Blue Kut-Ku in the same mission. Sounded a bit daunting, but I’d recently got the hang of the Long Sword, which kicks serious ass, and I thought I had what it takes. Started the mission, and took along a couple traps and some tranquiliser bombs, hoping I could capture them both.

At first it was a bit gay, because I didn’t expect them both to be in the same zone, and that was a nightmare, because all I could do was dodge out of the way since they didn’t let up in their attacks. Over time, the Blue Kut-Ku switched zones for no apparent reason, leaving the normal Kut-Ku with me. I was absolutely destroying it, and within a couple minutes, it started limping. As I went to FINISH HIM!!, I remembered about my traps and said “No, no, wait… let him switch zones, and I’ll capture him there.”

He took off, landed in another zone. I followed, and he was still limping, and for some reason, not paying any attention to me. I put down my trap, and waited for him to attack, but he didn’t. So, to get his attention, I went to poke him with my long sword, but I didn’t know how much health he had left. So, instead, I decided to kick him, which usually gets their attention and does pretty much no damage.

So I put my weapon away, got closer, and kicked him in the foot. And, to my surprise, a notification appears on my screen: “One monster left!” LMFAO, I couldn’t stop laughing, I actually managed to kill a Yian Kut-Ku with a KYICK! Talk about Critical Existence Failure! 😀

Computer wasn’t very happy about that, as was evident when I found the Blue Kut-Ku again, which proceeded to cheat the hell out of everything. He charged through a tree, hit me with his beak when he clearly did NOT, same thing happened with the tail, and when he went into berserk mode, he attempted to combo whore me by doing successive attacks which you can’t dodge, because they hit the very MOMENT you get up from a previous attack.

But the AI was so shit that it couldn’t win even if it cheated. After an EPIC combo by me, draw overhead slice, overhead slice, thrust, upward swing, full spirit blade combo, the Blue Kut-Ku pooed himself and switched zones. Followed him, set a trap, woke him up with a FALCON KICK (it DIDN’T kill him this time, which was a bit of a shame :P) led the cheating bastard into the trap which it was conveniently avoiding, even though it’s an AI and can’t see traps, and managed to capture him. 😀

Possibly the most epic-filled Monster Hunter mission in the history of ever. 😀 Just wish it was on the damn Xbox, so I could ACTUALLY play it co-op. 😛


*sigh*… okay, never mind. I hit the Japanese Difficulty Cliff, and that’s it. Can’t get past four stars because I can’t complete two of the missions. Seriously, this is a fucking stupid gameplay mechanic. “If you get stuck, tough, you’re not good enough, stop playing.” I should review the F.A.G.G.O.T Rating of this game, because that sounds like instant-zero material.

I have the white Monoblos to beat, and the NORMAL Monoblos took me 25 minutes to beat and the victory didn’t actually benefit me in any way – didn’t get any needed materials, used quite a lot of items. Knowing THIS game’s difficulty curves, the white Monoblos might take sixteen years to beat.

The other one is Kushala Daora, who is crammed so full of Fake Difficulty is makes me want to cry and rip my own face off. Stupid overpowered wind shield, stupid speed, bot keeps detecting all my moves and dodging every single one of them, and it has unrealistically high sharpness requirements. I can’t GET anything higher than green sharpness yet! WTF DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

In addition, it’s full of catch-22’s. Attack the head and break the horns to stop the wind shield… but the wind shield knocks you back when you get within range. In the event that I DO land a hit, the attack bounces, because my sharpness is too low even though it can’t possibly be any higher at this moment in time, or he immediately dodges it. Apparently you can poison him to stop the wind shield for a while, but even after riddling him with five poison throwing knives and throwing NINE poison smoke bombs at him, nothing. So I’m guessing he’s actually IMMUNE to poison. But what REALLY irritates me is it’s NOT EVEN FRIGGIN’ HARD! He’s got SHIT attacks, I can read him like a book, and I could probably destroy him so easily, but NO, Fake Difficulty. Impossibly hard scales and that gay wind shield that knocks me back are the only things in my damn way. That shield also leaves me wide open to a MASSIVE combo whore by the cheating bastard computer. Fall down, get up , immediately get a face full of dragon claws. Fall down, get up, fall down again because of wind shield, get up, instantly hit by ice blast, fall down, get up, instantly get hit by retarded nonsensical twisty move, fall down, get up, and FINALLY manage to move again!

Searching on the ‘net for help didn’t really get me anywhere, either, since it seems that 95% of people who play this game are mentally fucking retarded. Use overpowered X weapon and ridiculous Y armour. Um… I can’t. I don’t HAVE THE ABILITY TO GET THAT KIND OF EQUIPMENT YET! Rathalos and Tigrex materials? Have I even FOUGHT AGAINST Rathalos or Tigrex yet? NO! So how the fuck do you expect me to get the RIGHT EQUIPMENT?! Just because YOU cheated with whatever tool you use to cheat, doesn’t mean I want to!

Oh, and do you know what’s hilarious? Capcom’s intelligence. When I decided to say “this is bullshit, I’m quitting this mission”, and quit, I was expecting something like “Kushala Daora Training  Unlocked!”, and some hints just to help me along in getting past that mission. That would’ve been REALLY nice, and REALLY helpful. But do you know what ACTUALLY appeared? “NEW VIDEO UNLOCKED IN THE GALLERY!” NOT USEFUL, FAGTARDS!

I’m going to bed, and tomorrow, I’m going to try one more time. If  I still can’t do it, it’s basically said “you’re not good enough, stop playing”, which means it will get a zero and a one-way ticket to the recycle bin. Oh, and Monster Hunter will be put on my blacklist for good.


Okay, it’s lost it’s appeal completely. I’m not doing anything wrong, but I keep losing, and it’s almost impossible to get equipment better than I have right now without grinding. And as stated in the official F.A.G.G.O.T Rating System Rules, “Any game which requires noticable grinding comes under MongMaster’s criteria for speedy deletion. If a game meets the criteria for speedy deletion, and if there is no redeeming counter-feature, the game will be deleted in a speedy fashion and recieve half the currently accumulated F.A.G.G.O.T score.” Ya rly.

And so, Monster Hunter Freedom Unite requires grinding to progress, and is too frustrating and not fun enough to counter this fact, so it now no longer exists on my PSP and recieves a 3.4 (Lame). Not, since I’ve revised the system, and I had to re-rate MHFU, so it actually gets a 2.22(Terrible). And since it’s failed to impress consistently even through FOUR attempts, it also gets put on the F.A.G.G.O.T Blacklist, which means I’ll never play another game from that series. I knew I shouldn’t have spoke of it too highly earlier.

Sorry Capcom, looks like your achievement was just revoked. 😛