A message for you, Microsoft. Re: Windows oO.

Microsoft.
Hi.

I recently heard about the release of the Windows 8 Consumer Preview. At first, I looked at the screenshots of it and almost mistook it for the Windows Phone 7 OS, even though it’s supposed to be an operating system that you can install on ANY COMPUTER, including this thing I have called a “desktop PC” which doesn’t have a touch screen and never will. Still, I was eager to try Win8, since I love Win7. I couldn’t find a general feedback button in Windows 8 that I could use, which is strange since I know you people LOVE FEEDBACK SO MUCH AND CARE SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT THE END USER THINKS. So instead, I have detailed my experiences here for you to peruse.

The Windows 8 download was painless, and setting up my flash drive was easy. However, I did notice that you still can’t write properly. Backing my files up to “another ‘save’ location” was especially difficult to understand since I am sure I set Windows 7’s language to English, not Retard. “Move or copy your files to a safe location before you continue” is the grammar I would expect from one of the richest companies in the world.

The Windows 8 installer was easy to use since it is exactly the same as it has been since Windows Vista. When installation had finished, I noticed that there was a 10 second countdown before the computer restarted, and a button to make it restart immediately. I found that quite funny, since the timer is completely pointless in every way. One possible solution is to tell your programmers to not be a complete set of fools. Remove the timer, and instead make the computer restart immediately when the installation has finished. Would have been less programming to do. Durrr.

Then, finally, the big moment. After inputting my computer’s name and choosing a theme from a range of extraordinarily boring shades of colour, I was asked to choose a wireless network. However, I am sane, and use this thing called a “wire” to connect my computer to the Internet, because a “wire” gives more bandwidth and less latency. It is also more stable, more secure, and you can’t lose signal randomly or get interference from a microwave or something. Because Windows didn’t give me an option to choose a WIRED network, I decided to skip this step. It turned out, funnily enough, Windows had already connected to the Internet through the wire, yet still asked me to choose a wireless access point. Almost as if Win8 did not expect me to use a wire. I found that quite… odd. This IS an operating system for PC, right?

I then, on the next page, noticed a sign-in box. I believe the words that escaped my mouth at that moment were “WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, I NEED TO SIGN INTO AN ONLINE ACCOUNT JUST TO USE MY COMPUTER?!” Thankfully, I found that you could create a local profile, because like, who would ever want to make an online profile which lets you keep your Start menu settings but allows others to access all your documents and pictures if they happen to gain access to your account? And who would want to buy things from an “App Store” when using Windows? And who actually wants to put their personal data on a server owned by a group of people they don’t even know, anyway? It’s such a stupid idea, isn’t it? Even so, I still made an online profile just to find out what all these GREAT NEW FEATURES were like.

Eventually, I made it to the Start… SCREEN. Being a Windows user for many years, I found it quite shocking when I suddenly had no idea how to use Windows at all, and ended up checking to see if my brain was still attached. It took me a few moments to realise that I was still using a desktop PC, and almost had to stop myself from smearing fingerprints over my fairly new, non-touch screen monitor. After a short while of taking in this horrendous interface that looked like it took 3 minutes to design, and while trying to make myself believe that this was still Windows, I managed to see the Desktop icon. I touched… sorry, CLICKED on it, and it brought me to my desktop. Wonderful. However, I’m not sure if any of your developers have noticed this, but I believe they have accidentally amputated the bottom left corner of Windows. I reached for the Start button, but it wasn’t there. Things went downhill rather quickly from here.

I have no Start button, but when I hover over where it is supposed to be, I see a little image of the Start Screen. I click it… and I’m back to this horrible UI. It’s confusing enough already, and I don’t even want to think what it would be like with any more squares on there. In fact, I already know, because I went to the “App Store” and chose to browse all “apps”. It was like I was having some sort of nightmare about shitty interfaces.
It took me a while to figure out you could right click in an empty space and access even more “apps”… no, sorry, every time I say the word “app”, it reminds me of Apple and hence makes me feel sick. So why don’t we call them “programs”, eh? Because you’re not Apple, this isn’t a dedicated mobile OS, and you’ve been calling them “programs” since at least Windows 95.

Anyway, continuing on – it took me a while to figure out you could right click and access even more programs… all of them displayed as bland squares and uncategorised. So instead of going through that, I went back to my desktop and clicked Start, wanting to open Computer. “Oh damn, wait…” The Start Screen opens. OH GOD DAMN I’M FORCED TO USE THIS.

I then came to a realisation. I believe you had employed Xzibit and were watching Inception on repeat while developing this OS. Desktop is now just a program, but I can have several programs running inside Desktop, as well as several programs running outside of Desktop. So I can have programs running in my program.


This screenshot demonstrates the TOTAL GENIUS of running two completely different versions of the same kind of program in two completely different types of interface – IE on the right, and IE on the left side of the Desktop, near MiniXzibit. And by “TOTAL GENIUS” I actually mean “THIS MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE AT ALL WGHAGT THE HFICK

At this point, I was becoming very frustrated and confused. I found out you could grab the top of your current window… er… panel… window? Is it a window? Okay, for clarity, let us call the windows in Desktop “windows (not the operating system)”, and the windows in the Start screen “pieces of shit”. So anyway, I discovered you could grab the top of one of the pieces of shit and drag it around for some unknown reason. You could also pin the piece of shit to the left or right sides of the screen, but it was like a really stupid version of pinning windows (not the operating system) to the sides of the screen in Desktop (not the start screen). I couldn’t find a use for it and assumed it was just a feature for dumbasses who want to look intelligent or something. OO LOOK I CAN “MULTYTASK” FFS go home mobile fags

My sanity was runihg short and I was getting alittle biut less inteligernt as evbery moment passed. I decidsed to delete a screenshot I jst took, since I had alratady copied it to my exst.. eckstern… er… outer brick drive to upload l8r. When I pressed “DEL”, HOLY SHIT THE FILE DISAPPEARED STRAIGHT AWAY. This is dum. Wat if I accidentally pressed da DEL key on, lyk, a file dat waz pritty emportant? Like say PAGEFILE.SYS? Or the SOURCE CODE FOLDER for ULSG V13? CONFIRM A FILE DELETE OPERATION LIKE YOU ALWAYS HAVE DONE FFS! You’re not supposed to be turning into Mac OSX! In fact no, that’s quite unfair to Apple. To delete something on a Mac, you need to press two keys at the same time, CMD + Backspace, so it’s pretty difficult to accidentally delete something!

Then, I went to Recycle Bin to empty it and fasjdkpfgovuoerivgrogurvgbiqwegfbviwervareqwtrbrtbnesrtyg

Just to try and reassure myself that you hadn’t totally lost all your brain cells, I then opened Computer using a shortcut I placed on Desktop earlier like a normal person, and ladfuwyaqfcvlieewcqaweergvaqakhgfsrfgvergbvretgbvt

THE RIBBON. Microsoft, YOU KNOW 98% of people hate that thing… so WHY IS IT NOW PLASTERED ALL OVER EXPLORER?! I almost had to run to the toilet and puke.

I eventually had a lot of pieces of shit open, and wondered how I could close them. It took me about 5 minutes to figure it out. Closing a piece of shit by dragging it to the bottom right corner of the screen – how is that in any way natural? HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA, how about you make it so we can hover over the top right corner AND CLICK A BIG X BUTTON?! Windows has been like this SINCE THE START – why does it need to change?! Oh wait, you haven’t changed it… wait you have OMFG it’s like you’ve made an OS in an OS AND IT’S CONFUSING AS HELL!

I’d seen enough; the chances of me upgrading to this gayness had already hit 0%. I wanted to get out of this not operating correctly system as soon as possible. SADLY, I discovered a brand new problem! I hovered over that tiny little square in the bottom right which is apparently supposed to mean something, and the computer COMPLETELY LOCKED UP. Since I somehow managed to burn a cable that powered my PC case’s power button a long time ago and hadn’t gotten it replaced yet, I had to open up the case to press the motherboard’s reset button OH WAIT WINDOZE STARTS RESPONDING. I get up, move the mouse to that square in the bottom righ SUDDEN LOCKUP. I pressed reset cause I couldn’t be arsed.

I booted Win8 again, continuing from where I left off – trying to figure out how to shut it down. I hovered over the Square of Death again, and nothing happened. Oh wait it did, I just had to WAIT a moment. It brought up a menu with some vaguely labelled options on there. I didn’t see “power” anywhere. I clicked the “Start” option, but it just closed that little menu.

I then discovered that clicking the Square of Death ZOOMS THE START SCREEN OUT. OH GOD NO, imagine this screen, only full of little squares and rectangles which represent programs.


I’d die.

I went through those badly labelled menu options and EVENTUALLY FOUND “POWER” UNDER “SETTINGS”. SETTINGS?! WHAT ATHE AFUCKAISBD WITHE PWOELAFUA ABUYTTON FOING THEREBY KA

Microsoft, well done. You have successfully created something WORSE than Vista. My suggestion is to fire all those responsible for this turd (as in literally FIRE, POW SPLAT GRAVEYARD) and go to hell without passing GO or collecting ÂŁ200. Which is probably how much you’ll charge for this bab pile.

Sincerely,
MongMaster.
(Desktop PC User)

Everyone else, for your safety, I am NO WAY linking the place where you can test this not operating correctly system. Find it yourself if you’re so eager to cause yourself pain, or if you just like ignoring me for some really retarded reason.

Advertisements