Do you know what annoys me?

Well, it’s when I work most of Thursday, ALL of Friday after uni, into the early hours of Saturday, then another three hours or so on Saturday afternoon making a minigame which is really polished with a bunch of features that were quite tricky to code (like an online high score table), for no reason. Here it is, by the way.

The ORIGINAL reason I made it was because I thought it’d be a cool little game that people could play and enjoy. Challenge themselves to beat their old high score, see where they ranked among all the other players, see if they could earn the Developer Medal, etc. But when I upload it, post it on Facebook and then post it into Skype… ONE person clicks on the link, and then doesn’t even bother downloading it.

What the fuck? Why? I actually don’t understand. It’s 10MB, so it’ll hardly kill you to wait for it, and it won’t ruin your download limit if you’re one of the idiots who has one. It’s a zip file, so there aren’t any “I can’t open it” excuses. It has low system requirements, and can be played by anyone who has hands. So… why the hell doesn’t anyone bother with it?

It’s basically made me realise that I’m wasting my time. I make games for people to enjoy them. I don’t make them for NO REASON. ULSG V13 is a waste of time, too, since when I do manage to find the time to finish it off, about 15 people will play it for about 20 minutes each, and it’ll get less attention than something made by someone else. And Dragon Storm? Same thing. I’ll spend countless hours making it perfect, and when I release it, no-one will appreciate all the work and all the love that’s gone into it, and no-one will give a shit. Maybe it’s because most people are like “OMG NEEDS GOOD GRAPHICS OTHERWISE IT’S SHIT”, but as I said, I don’t understand why.

So I ask again, why is this? Is it because the games I make are actually rubbish? Is it because they’re made by ME? I just don’t understand, and I probably never will. So fuck it, If people can’t be bothered taking three minutes out of their lives to play my game, then I can’t be bothered spending hundreds of hours making it. Same goes for Dragon Tail, and this blog.

It’s not as if anyone read it, anyway.

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Hey Capcom? Achievement Unlocked. (not)

Capcom didn’t make WordPress, so no, I’m not talking about this shitty site which still irritates the hell out of me. I’m talking about the one series that’s stopped them from achieving a perfect record with me. Monster Hunter. Yes, I love MegaMan. I love Dead Rising, even though technically they didn’t MAKE it. I love Street Fighter. But for many years, I’ve wanted to take a Great Sword and hunt down the developers of that irritating hack ‘n’ slash. ๐Ÿ˜›

The thing that got me the most was that it was an AWESOME game at its core. Very nice selection of weapons and armour, a fairly deep combat system, and I really liked the semi-free-roam map style, where you could go anywhere on the map at any time to go gather stuff or whatever, but the maps weren’t huge to make hunting annoying, in the “required travel distance” sense. ๐Ÿ˜› I REALLY, REALLY wanted to like it, because I could sense there was a seriously deep, rewarding, long-lasting, satisfying, fun game there.

However, this gem of a game had been shat on with a pathetic, clunky, ridiculously overcomplicated control system, inaccessible and ambitious multiplayer, various other irritations such as “JUST USE THE FUCKING ITEM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, STOP POSING!!”, and of course, Capcom’s signature difficulty curves, which are more ridiculous than almost ANYTHING.

The difficulty curve is unpredictable; one moment you’re in the training school using fairly powerful weapons, raping the shit out of every monster you come across, even the training boss! After that, you’re in the main quests, doing alright, and then suddenly, WHAM. A boss battle. The boss kicks your ass to the moon. Of course, I blamed it on my weapon choice, so I changed to dual blades. Same thing. Tried Sword and Shield. Same thing. Lance, Gunlance, Long Sword… all useless. Then I pick up the Light Bowgun and DESTROY the boss. WHAT?! :S Then, as I was doing well with the Light Bowgun, I get the dreaded Yian Kut-Ku quest, which is the point where I usually fail so hard I give up. And… well, yeah. It trampled the crap out of me. Multiple times. And each time, I never knew how close I was, because there is no enemy health bar, and I SWEAR that the bots were cheating. Disappearing into another area for a split second, and regaining all their health. They’re monsters, they don’t HAVE health potions, and they already have enough damn health as it is! So I gave up.

That was Monster Hunter Freedom 2. I thought that, with a friend, I’d grow to enjoy it. However, that brings me onto the multiplayer inaccessibility.

To play a game of Monster Hunter with a friend, you need a friend who has a PSP, a fairly unpopular and expensive handheld console which no-one ever uses. Furthermore, they have to like Monster Hunter and own a copy of it, which isn’t really that easy when it comes to MY friends. ๐Ÿ˜› Also, you both need to be in the same place at the same time with a fair few hours to spare. All in all… almost impossible. ๐Ÿ˜› What’s more, when they released Monster Hunter 3, they released it only on the Wii, which has the worst netplay service in the history of the world. Do any of my friends that I speak with on a regular basis own a Wii? One. Do they play Monster Hunter? No. Do I even own a Wii? NO. ๐Ÿ˜› Furthermore, releasing it on the Xbox would have actually reached the audience who LIKE those type of games. And it would have support for DLC, and it would have better graphics, a smoother framerate, and better controllers. And it would be much easier to find someone who would want to play it co-op. Because I actually have a 360. And some of my friends could get the demo to try it.

Capcom, go to school. Go directly to school. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 intelligence points. ๐Ÿ˜›

So, what’s the point of this entry then, you ask? Well, partly to vent, but mainly to say that I’ve recently given Monster Hunter ANOTHER chance. That’s FOUR now. ๐Ÿ˜› Normally, I’d NEVER give a series more than two chances, but this just shows how much I really WANTED to like it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

This time, it was Monster Hunter Freedom Unite. Or as they call it in Japan, Monster Hunter Portable 2nd G. Yeah. ๐Ÿ˜› Downloaded it a few days ago after discovering that MGS: Peace Walker actually contained secret Monster Hunter missions after fulfilling a bunch of other conditions. Oh yes. Hideo Kojima – psychotic, awesome legend of games design. ๐Ÿ˜€

MHFU annoyed me when I started it. Because I found out that it is pretty much EXACTLY THE SAME AS MONSTER HUNTER FREEDOM 2. Same areas, same weapons, same dialogue. Same story. Same everything. GAY. Under my criteria, any game like that gets an instant ZERO on the F.A.G.G.O.T. Rating System. But, I decided to give it a chance, and went through the beginner missions and all that, until I got to the point where you hire a Felyne recruit. As in, an AI to help you on missions.

Awesome idea… juuust a BIT flawed. You see, AI has never actually been intelligent. They only seem intelligent in simple games such as Pacman, but that doesn’t really make them intelligent. ๐Ÿ˜› The Felyne I chose CONSTANTLY throws bombs, and around 30% of them end up landing on ME. Another 50% miss, and the rest actually hit the target and cause… minor damage. ๐Ÿ˜› The best thing that I’ve seen so far is that the bot is an EPIC distraction. Three Velociprey and a Velocidrome? Fairly tough as a newbie when they’re all trying to jump on your face. But, when the Velocidrome and one of the Velociprey is attacking your basically invincible companion, EASY AS PISS. Take out the extras, then focus on the Velocidrome. Unleash maximum rape, QUEST CLEAR. Didn’t even get a chance to retreat. ๐Ÿ˜€

I’ve only fainted twice so far, and I’ve almost cleared the 2-star difficulty level. And one of those faints was uber-cheap. Fighting Velociprey, took two of them out. As I was gathering from them, the camera screwed up and got stuck near the wall, and the sound of the Felyne throwing bombs at the other Velociprey drowned out the sound of Tigrex entering the area. I heard the danger music start, thought “What the fu…?” , spun my camera around, and saw Tigrex’s grill right up in my grill. ๐Ÿ˜› He fired an ice blast, which knocked me down and took out a massive chunk of my health bar. Got up again… but the Random Number God said “you’re stunned”. Couldn’t do shit. Tigrex then bit my head off. Screwed by the gayness that is the RNG. ๐Ÿ˜› However, actually managing to beat a Yian Kut-Ku and the whateveritisyoucallit that comes after him with only a single faint between them, shows that either I’ve improved dramatically by not playing it, or Capcom have actually realised that it’s IMPOSSIBLE for beginners and dropped the initial Japanese Difficulty Cliff.

I don’t get it. It’s pretty much exactly the same as it was before, so why has MHFU managed to convert me? This happens extremely rarely at this kind of magnitude, so Capcom can hold their heads high. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Maybe I shouldn’t speak too highly of it yet – I still haven’t reached 3-star. Maybe we’ll see the classic “it’s impossible unless you have friends who play Monster Hunter” problem then. ๐Ÿ˜› I still stand by my claims of a GAY control system, and really stupid things the developers put in probably just to give it a “lighter” feel (such as that ANNOYING “look at me, I’m awesome” pose when using an item, etc.), but overall… it’s not bad. Let me just do a F.A.G.G.O.T. Rating…

Fun: 6/10 – Fun, and it has great charm… but it can get a bit tedious, and there are various irritations, such as gay controls.
Audio: 8/10 – Nice music. The sounds are mostly nice, too, but this gets bonus points for the EPIC NPC voice acting. Speak to the farm guy, you’ll see. “S!!” ๐Ÿ˜€
Graphics: 7/10 – Nice models, but some textures are stretched and that’s NOT nice. The framerate is very steady, and the environments look nice.
Gameplay: 8/10 – Challenging, but not to the point where you want to kill yourself. The gameplay also feels quite rewarding, and very deep. Great combat system, and a mostly awesome bunch of monsters. The big letdowns are the clunky control system, and the feeling that this could have been done at least a little better on any other console.
Online: 5/10 – One word: Inaccessible.
Total (after Importance Machine): 6.9 (Very Good). (lolumadbro? see updates.)

Remember, I use a 0-10 scale, not a 6-10 scale like normal reviewers do. ๐Ÿ˜›

Anyhoo, that’s that. ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m off to see if I can complete 2-star level, and to find this inevitable Japanese Difficulty Cliff. Buh-bye! ๐Ÿ™‚

UPDATE!!

Okay, nope. I’m at four stars and I’m still doing okay. Apart from the fact that the AI blatantly cheats every so often, and the Random Number God is NEVER on your side. And the Plesioth is gayer than anything ever. ๐Ÿ˜› Still feel like I want to throw the PSP at the wall every so often because of these things, but the good moments outshine the bad ones. ๐Ÿ˜€

Especially what I accidentally did last night. ๐Ÿ˜€ Now, I don’t care whether you’ve got a maxed out character that can take out anything in one hit or whatever, because what I did was so much more awesome. ๐Ÿ˜€

I was on a mission where you have to take out a Kut-Ku and a Blue Kut-Ku in the same mission. Sounded a bit daunting, but I’d recently got the hang of the Long Sword, which kicks serious ass, and I thought I had what it takes. Started the mission, and took along a couple traps and some tranquiliser bombs, hoping I could capture them both.

At first it was a bit gay, because I didn’t expect them both to be in the same zone, and that was a nightmare, because all I could do was dodge out of the way since they didn’t let up in their attacks. Over time, the Blue Kut-Ku switched zones for no apparent reason, leaving the normal Kut-Ku with me. I was absolutely destroying it, and within a couple minutes, it started limping. As I went to FINISH HIM!!, I remembered about my traps and said “No, no, wait… let him switch zones, and I’ll capture him there.”

He took off, landed in another zone. I followed, and he was still limping, and for some reason, not paying any attention to me. I put down my trap, and waited for him to attack, but he didn’t. So, to get his attention, I went to poke him with my long sword, but I didn’t know how much health he had left. So, instead, I decided to kick him, which usually gets their attention and does pretty much no damage.

So I put my weapon away, got closer, and kicked him in the foot. And, to my surprise, a notification appears on my screen: “One monster left!” LMFAO, I couldn’t stop laughing, I actually managed to kill a Yian Kut-Ku with a KYICK! Talk about Critical Existence Failure! ๐Ÿ˜€

Computer wasn’t very happy about that, as was evident when I found the Blue Kut-Ku again, which proceeded to cheat the hell out of everything. He charged through a tree, hit me with his beak when he clearly did NOT, same thing happened with the tail, and when he went into berserk mode, he attempted to combo whore me by doing successive attacks which you can’t dodge, because they hit the very MOMENT you get up from a previous attack.

But the AI was so shit that it couldn’t win even if it cheated. After an EPIC combo by me, draw overhead slice, overhead slice, thrust, upward swing, full spirit blade combo, the Blue Kut-Ku pooed himself and switched zones. Followed him, set a trap, woke him up with a FALCON KICK (it DIDN’T kill him this time, which was a bit of a shame :P) led the cheating bastard into the trap which it was conveniently avoiding, even though it’s an AI and can’t see traps, and managed to capture him. ๐Ÿ˜€

Possibly the most epic-filled Monster Hunter mission in the history of ever. ๐Ÿ˜€ Just wish it was on the damn Xbox, so I could ACTUALLY play it co-op. ๐Ÿ˜›

UPDATE 2!!

*sigh*… okay, never mind. I hit the Japanese Difficulty Cliff, and that’s it. Can’t get past four stars because I can’t complete two of the missions. Seriously, this is a fucking stupid gameplay mechanic. “If you get stuck, tough, you’re not good enough, stop playing.” I should review the F.A.G.G.O.T Rating of this game, because that sounds like instant-zero material.

I have the white Monoblos to beat, and the NORMAL Monoblos took me 25 minutes to beat and the victory didn’t actually benefit me in any way – didn’t get any needed materials, used quite a lot of items. Knowing THIS game’s difficulty curves, the white Monoblos might take sixteen years to beat.

The other one is Kushala Daora, who is crammed so full of Fake Difficulty is makes me want to cry and rip my own face off. Stupid overpowered wind shield, stupid speed, bot keeps detecting all my moves and dodging every single one of them, and it has unrealistically high sharpness requirements. I can’t GET anything higher than green sharpness yet! WTF DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

In addition, it’s full of catch-22’s. Attack the head and break the horns to stop the wind shield… but the wind shield knocks you back when you get within range. In the event that I DO land a hit, the attack bounces, because my sharpness is too low even though it can’t possibly be any higher at this moment in time, or he immediately dodges it. Apparently you can poison him to stop the wind shield for a while, but even after riddling him with five poison throwing knives and throwing NINE poison smoke bombs at him, nothing. So I’m guessing he’s actually IMMUNE to poison. But what REALLY irritates me is it’s NOT EVEN FRIGGIN’ HARD! He’s got SHIT attacks, I can read him like a book, and I could probably destroy him so easily, but NO, Fake Difficulty. Impossibly hard scales and that gay wind shield that knocks me back are the only things in my damn way. That shield also leaves me wide open to a MASSIVE combo whore by the cheating bastard computer. Fall down, get up , immediately get a face full of dragon claws. Fall down, get up, fall down again because of wind shield, get up, instantly hit by ice blast, fall down, get up, instantly get hit by retarded nonsensical twisty move, fall down, get up, and FINALLY manage to move again!

Searching on the ‘net for help didn’t really get me anywhere, either, since it seems that 95% of people who play this game are mentally fucking retarded. Use overpowered X weapon and ridiculous Y armour. Um… I can’t. I don’t HAVE THE ABILITY TO GET THAT KIND OF EQUIPMENT YET! Rathalos and Tigrex materials? Have I even FOUGHT AGAINST Rathalos or Tigrex yet? NO! So how the fuck do you expect me to get the RIGHT EQUIPMENT?! Just because YOU cheated with whatever tool you use to cheat, doesn’t mean I want to!

Oh, and do you know what’s hilarious? Capcom’s intelligence. When I decided to say “this is bullshit, I’m quitting this mission”, and quit, I was expecting something like “Kushala Daora Trainingย  Unlocked!”, and some hints just to help me along in getting past that mission. That would’ve been REALLY nice, and REALLY helpful. But do you know what ACTUALLY appeared? “NEW VIDEO UNLOCKED IN THE GALLERY!” NOT USEFUL, FAGTARDS!

I’m going to bed, and tomorrow, I’m going to try one more time. Ifย  I still can’t do it, it’s basically said “you’re not good enough, stop playing”, which means it will get a zero and a one-way ticket to the recycle bin. Oh, and Monster Hunter will be put on my blacklist for good.

UPDATE 3!!

Okay, it’s lost it’s appeal completely. I’m not doing anything wrong, but I keep losing, and it’s almost impossible to get equipment better than I have right now without grinding. And as stated in the official F.A.G.G.O.T Rating System Rules, “Any game which requires noticable grinding comes under MongMaster’s criteria for speedy deletion. If a game meets the criteria for speedy deletion, and if there is no redeeming counter-feature, the game will be deleted in a speedy fashion and recieve half the currently accumulated F.A.G.G.O.T score.” Ya rly.

And so, Monster Hunter Freedom Unite requires grinding to progress, and is too frustrating and not fun enough to counter this fact, so it now no longer exists on my PSP and recieves a 3.4 (Lame). Not, since I’ve revised the system, and I had to re-rate MHFU, so it actually gets a 2.22(Terrible). And since it’s failed to impress consistently even through FOUR attempts, it also gets put on the F.A.G.G.O.T Blacklist, which means I’ll never play another game from that series. I knew I shouldn’t have spoke of it too highly earlier.

Sorry Capcom, looks like your achievement was just revoked. ๐Ÿ˜›