It’s a shame how Indie games used to be GOOD…

Ever since PopCap’s completely ridiculously awesome Bejeweled Twist and the fairly awesome (yet SLIGHTLY over-rated) Plants vs Zombies came out, it seems like every other indie developer kinda gave up. Sad PopCap haven’t done many interesting things for a while, and everyone else seems to suck at it now.

And it’s showing. I just played a game called Zero Gear on Steam, which is EXTREMELY similar to um… Mario Kart. That’s a David and Goliath style thing going on there. But THIS time, David got his ass handed to him OVER 9000 TIMES.

I loaded it up, looked okay. Selected my options, it was okay. Clicked "Quick Play"… and… connection timed out. Eye-rolling So, after a few more attempts, I tried to manually join a server (since this is ONLY a multiplayer game). Joined one with the most players, and… it was THE laggiest game I have EVER seen in my life. Seriously… there was about… 5 seconds of lag? So, I quit that game, and tried joining another. I then found myself in a game… but I didn’t know what the HELL I was doing. It wasn’t racing or anything… it was something else. No idea what. No dialogues explaining the game mode or what to do… nothing. Drove around aimlessly for about 30 seconds, and gave up. I can’t play something, especially ONLINE, when I don’t know WTF I’m doing.

Third time lucky, I joined ANOTHER server. Racing! WOOT! And… it was the dullest race in history. Sad Everything was just… UNFINISHED. It’s an entirely physics-based game, because for some reason, most indie developers orgasm over physics-based games. Problem is, it doesn’t work. When I get hit by a mine, I expect a BOOM, and for me to go flying forward into a wall. NO. There’s a small *poot* of smoke, no sound, and the game forcefully turns me left for a second or two. When I’m going too fast (Sarcastic) my vehicle becomes uncontrollable, and I spin out. When I drive over a power-up box (Just like Mario Kart – they even SPIN in the same freaking way) I immediately wonder, "Wait, did I get that?" cuz there’s NO feedback. The power-up box doesn’t shatter or anything, there’s no sound… in fact, the only sounds I remember are engine sounds, small crash sounds, skid sounds, and fairly average Commodore music in the background. And for God’s sake, come on… a Commodore sound chip to make music? The only people who can do that and make it sound AWESOME are Machinae Supremacy…

Then there’s the issues with multiplayer gameplay, the main one being that hosts can IMMEDIATELY change the level. I started to play a target shoot game, which was fairly straightforward, and it looked like it could be fun. Just as I was going for a jump, the host must have decided to skip the map (even though most people probably didn’t want to), so the game ended and it immediately went to some other game mode, without even giving me a chance to adjust to the new rules. It was EXTREMELY disorienting, and I didn’t have a freakin’ clue what was going on about 90% of the time. It also doesn’t help that THEY DIDN’T INCLUDE INSTRUCTIONS OF ANY KIND. I mean… even a novice like ME can code a FRIGGIN’ INSTRUCTIONS SCREEN. And I’m not searching the Internets for instructions and tips for basically an unfinished game…

TrackMania kicks this game’s ass SO MUCH. Trust me, if you want a fun racing game on PC… screw this awful indie game… get TrackMania. It’s MORE than worth paying three times extra for. Plus, TrackMania is FULLY BUILT, lets you make your own tracks, lets you play single player or multiplayer, has good car control, and allows more than 8 players to play together. Oh, and the community is fairly nice, too. Tongue out

Anyway, new topic, the DSi XL, that I’ve JUST noticed. Let me just say now – I am not anti-Nintendo DS. However, I AM anti-bastard-companies-who-rip-their-customers-off, and anti-lying-companies.

The DSi was full of crap. If you wanted to upgrade from your perfectly good DS or DS Lite, it was gonna cost you over £100 (140-ish, if I remember rightly) for the DSi… and you got SHIT ALL. £100 for a 0.3 megapixel camera, an SD card slot and about an EIGHTH of an inch extra on each side of the screen… seriously, you can buy an Xbox Arcade model for around the price of a DSi, and get more for your money. Or, if you still wanted a handheld, you could, y’know, spend about half that and get a normal DS… or like… maybe a PSP? You’ll lose the touch screen, but get more features, especially if you softmod it…

So, what’s new about the DSi XL? The MAIN feature is that it has 93% EXTRA SCREEN SIZE. THAT sounded impressive. Plus, you also get it pre-loaded with several games, although they’re not full games… and the dictionary doesn’t sound like a game to me. And to a extremely minor extent, you get "refined colours" and a bigger stylus. This is all found on GAME’s site after I recieved an e-mail from them.

Let me start by screaming "BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!!!" Why? Well, the screen size of the DSi was 3.25". The DSi XL’s screen size is 4.2". Now THE LAST TIME I FUCKING CHECKED (which, FYI, was 10 seconds ago), adding 93% onto 3.25 does NOT equal 4.2. If this were advertised CORRECTLY, they would say that the screen size is actually 29% bigger. And if this is a typo, I SURE AS HELL won’t buy from a company that can’t even be bothered to freakin’ check what they’ve written before they publish it…
Oh, yeah, and by the way, increasing the screen size is probably going to DECREASE the graphics quality of earlier games, because their images will be STRETCHED from their original sizes. Just a thought. Tongue out
ALSO, as a direct attack on Sony, they say "…making this [the DSi XL] the handheld console with the widest viewing area of them all – even bigger than Sony’s PSP!" ACTUALLY, YOU’RE WRONG! The screen size on the PSP is ACTUALLY 4.3", which is 0.1" MORE than the DSi XL! How about DOING SOME RESEARCH before basically saying everything else is inferior to what you’ve done…
And the price of this disgrace-to-gaming, lie-ridden piece of pointless crap? £149.99. If you have ANY version of the DS, and if you have ANY common sense… you will NOT upgrade to this new DS. SERIOUSLY. And if you don’t own a DS, and want to buy one, get an original or a lite. They’re cheaper, and you’re not missing out on much by not getting a DSi XL. Or, alternatively, get a PSP, which is a device that is focused on being a handheld console, not an "everything machine".

I bet, before the end of this year, Nintendo’ll make a NEW DS. The DSi XLS! With another 1% screen size!!!1!1!!eleven!! Seriously, Nintendo, stop being gay, grow some balls and add some good stuff to the DS… add another 5 megapixels to the camera, because my OLD CAMERA PHONE can beat you, stop bothering about the screen size, because it’s a HANDHELD, and stop adding useless crap like voice morphers and vocal removers that don’t work, and add some GAMING RELATED STUFF, cuz… you know, it’s A GAMES CONSOLE?! Oh yeah, and sell it for LESS than the price of a highly advanced home next-gen console, too. Tongue out

Now, I’ll just sit back, and watch the fanboys roll in. Tongue out

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