O MAI GAH, EVE ONLINE E-MAILED ME…

See, now look what you’ve done. You’ve set me off on another rant about the gayness of MMORPGs.  You can blame EVE Online for this, and you don’t have to read it, but please do. I can generate quite a few lulz in these blogs. Open-mouthed

I unsubscribed from them, about two years ago, maybe longer than that, because it didn’t take me long to realise that the game sucked, and every single expansion did balls all to the gameplay. Now they’ve offered me free access to play THE most boring game in the history of the universe for FIVE DAYS.

Free? That’s a freakin’ ripoff. FIVE DAYS, man! FIVE DAYS of time when I could be doing something GOOD, or CONSTRUCTIVE! And the ridiculous amount of bandwidth the client eats up, too… that’s just a joke… I’d want to be PAID at least £100 to play that crap for five days. I’m still waiting for the reimbursement of the 2-3 months of my life that EVE destroyed. I could’ve created quite a bit of ULSG during that time, because, y’know, that’s a better game, IMO, because it’s FUN to play, not a chore…

Here’s some free, simple advice for my fellow aspiring game developers to help you
all avoid the mistakes of MMOG developers: WORK is the EXACT OPPOSITE
of PLAY. If your game is ridiculously hard work to play, IT’S NOT A
GAME. Not saying it shouldn’t be a CHALLENGE, but the player should be
at least having FUN.

I had a look at the features of EVE’s new expansion (yes, ANOTHER one came out 17 days ago). And guess what? NONE of it would benefit me, or any other players who have been playing the game for less than 2-3 years, even though they claim that this expansion is basically THE reason why more people are playing EVE than ever before. "Even more engaging gameplay"… yeah, right… my COCK is more engaging than this game. I can probably have more fun IN MY SLEEP.

"There’s no reason NOT to reactivate your account…" – O RLY?! That line made me LOL my throat out. There are MANY reasons not to reactivate my account! I’m not bored, I have better things to do, I have better GAMES to play, I have more FUN games to play, and most of all, I HAVE A FUCKING LIFE! I don’t want to be spending FIVE DAYS playing the most repetitive, boring game known to man… heck, I hate World of Warcraft too, but at least that actually has some fairly good GAMEPLAY… it’s just a shame the gameplay kinda DISAPPEARS after you max out your level.

I forget which dumbass company makes this turdy game, but whoever they are, listen up, a’ight? I CLICKED "UNSUBSCRIBE" OVER TWO YEARS AGO. I am now clicking it AGAIN. FIVE TIMES. You e-mail me again, and I am going to mail bomb you the exact same e-mail you sent me. A MILLION TIMES. You keep my details on file without my permission, and you use them when I don’t want to be contacted, then you WILL get digitally fucked in the ass.

You’re just lucky I don’t have the knowledge nor the resources to start a DDoS attack. Tongue out

Yes. I… can’t… stand… MMOGs. Why? Well, because they’re destroying the games industry’s soul, because MMOGs, the worst games on the planet, can actually earn the most revenue. The crap games live on, and the legendary games die out. Many people will notice this, and continue to make MMOGs, and soon enough, 99% of the games industry only cares about profits, and therefore 99% of games are MMOGs. Games dead. MMOG’s fault. Just a theory. Wink

But to be honest, that has the potential to be a good thing… but ONLY IF the games are twitch-based. That basically means the game requires a good level of reactions and skill to play, ie: "Swing sword at enemy, if sword hits enemy, it hits", not "Click buttons and watch", or "Swing sword at enemy, if sword hits enemy, a random calculation determines whether you hit or not and how much damage you do if you hit". And NO, FUCKING RAIDS AND INSTANCES ON WORLD OF WARCRAFT DO NOT REQUIRE ANY SKILL! Instances are a PRESET MAP with PRESET ENEMIES, and they only require your numbers to be HIGH, and your teammates to NOT BE STUPID. Seriously, don’t even TRY to disprove my statement, because IT’S TRUE. If you think it’s false, you’re obviously a fanboy/fangirl.

To be honest, I don’t mind random damage between two numbers that much, and I can bear it, but it REALLY HACKS ME OFF when that last attack JUST didn’t do enough damage that last hit, and the enemy’s ONLY JUST did. And I FRIGGIN’ HATE RANDOM CHANCE CRITICAL HITS. Doesn’t matter what game it is or how good it is, World of Warcraft, EVE, Final Fantasy, Star Ocean… random chance critical hits are the GAYEST things to ever be implemented into computer games. Here’s an example WHY:

Me: "Ah, only got 50 HP left, but the enemy’s got 40, and I do more damage per hit, so this should be alright."
*You hit enemy for 37 damage!*
Me: "Nice, just one more hit, and I’m done."
*Enemy CRITICALLY hits you for a x2 damage bonus! Enemy causes 52 damage!*
*You died.*
Me: "FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU-!"

Anyway, yeah. Fingers crossed Jumpgate Evolution actually comes out in my lifetime. I’m just praying that the developers truly know what makes a good game, so they can kick the living crap out of EVE, and give me an MMOG I can actually HAVE FUN playing.

Jumpgate Evolution? Yeah, it’s a space MMOG like EVE, only it’s twitch-based. Just as long as it plays similar to X-Wing Alliance (quite frankly, THE best space game EVER made, and quite possibly one of the greatest games of all time) and adds some nice RPG elements, it’s automatic win. Just go HERE. It takes you straight to the features – I skipped out all that extra shite like screenshots, the trailer and prettiful website designs that don’t show any gameplay, and actually have NIL effect on me. I don’t buy a game for its graphics. Anyone who does isn’t a gamer, and actually needs to stop playing games, or otherwise die.

C’mon, Codemasters… you USED to be cool with the Micro Machines franchise and stuff like that, but now your games are complete crap. PLEASE, for the love of GOD, make this game GOOD…

Anyway, I’m off for now. See yas later. Smile

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s