But oh noes… if they don’t hear from me, they can send "Enforcement Officers" to my address. That’s funny, because they wouldn’t be able to get past the front block door without a key. And if they could, they still wouldn’t know the code to the flat door. And then even if they knew that, they’d still need the key to my room. Besides, if they enter my room or even our flat without our permission, that’s technically breaking and entering, which is… like… illegal?
And then there’s some scary messages on the back part of the letter, and I tell ya, they’re freakin’ GENIUSES, they know SO MUCH!!
"We know you’re a student."
Oh, I’m living in halls of residence and it’s only a 20 minute bus ride from University… how did you know that I’m a student?!
"We know that over 12 million computers were sold in the UK last year."
Congrats, you know something pointless! By the way – I BUILT my computer, so I don’t really factor into your statistics. And LOL, OVER 12 million? Nice guess… I could be just as right as you are by saying "Over 3 computers were sold in the UK last year."
"We know for you, the laptop is the new TV."
OOH, EMPHASIS WITH BOLD TEXT! That’s funny, because I freaking hate laptops, and if they ever became the new TV, I’d shoot myself. They’re small, weak, plastic, power-hungry pieces of crap which start to overheat within 5 minutes of turning them on, and they can’t do anything apart from run word processors and browse the web.
"We know that 99% of students took laptops or PCs to halls this year."
Well, I know that 100% of that previous statement was generated through made-up statistics! And this is the year 2009, of freakin’ COURSE we’re gonna bring laptops/PCs to halls! Tell me exactly how many PCs are at Storthes Hall, and I’ll start to take you seriously.
"We know the location of every unlicensed room in UK halls."
Well, you obviously don’t, because pretty much EVERYONE got one of these letters, and a lot of people already have a TV licence.
"We know that students in England recieve an average of 14 hours’ tuition a week."
Oh, right… and this proves…?
"We know the average weekly workload for students in England is around 26 hours."
Again, I ask… this proves…?
LOL, then there’s a blank line.
"We know that at peak times iPlayer transfers 12Gb of TV into rooms across the UK every second."
iPlayer has an upload rate of more than 12Gb?! ZOMG! Being a huge, rich TV broadcasting company, I didn’t think that the BBC could afford like, y’know… a WEB SERVER! OMFG!
And anyway, what does that prove? iPlayer doesn’t need a TV licence, because it’s not live TV… it’s a streaming video service, you jeb ends. What, you’re gonna make us pay a TV licence to watch YouTube soon? F U.
"Now you know you need a TV licence."
IN BOLD TEXT!! No, I don’t, you’re not getting in my room, and since there’s a shared aerial for the ENTIRE BLOCK (that’s (8 rooms x 8 flats) + 8 communal TV’s), you can’t track who is using the TV at any time, so whatever device you use to figure it out is useless. Sample conversation between your "Enforcement Officers":
A: "STOP! One of the people in that block is watching TV without a license!"
B: "Okay, which room is it?"
A: "That one!"
B: "That was just a guess, wasn’t it?"
A: "…Yeah. Screw this, let’s go to Greggs."
"We know that around 181 channels are being watched by 16-24 year olds at any one time."
What, are you fuckin’ stalkers or something? I can make up numbers too, y’know. Last year I made £73,489 from my job. No-one will believe me if I say stuff like that, but if the TV licensing people say it, OMG it must be true!
It’s so funny, too… because they DON’T know my name! The letter was addressed to "The Present Occupier". It’s impossible for me to take them seriously.
To the TV Licensing people: your threats and scary messages won’t work on me, you dimwits. If you wanna come around, you’ve gotta send me a letter first, anyway. And when I get that, I can SO EASILY hide my aerial wire and booster box before you arrive. A few questions for you:
Do you know where I’m going to hide my aerial and booster box?
Do you know how many fingers I’m holding up right now? (I’ll give you a clue – it’s more than -1. )
Do you know how many teabags are left inside this box of Yorkshire Tea?
Thought not. Now go troll someone else.
Oh ya, one more thing. Yesterday, I think I broke the world record for the worst ping test ever:.
FIFTY… FOUR… PERCENT… LOSS. And incredibly, the ping jitter is HIGHER than my average ping. HOW?!
But then… about 1 1/2 hours later…
It’s insanely good! WTF?! Yes, this was to a different server… but the problem with the first result WAS my connection. I couldn’t even load up Google within a minute.
You give it a try, it’s cool.