Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to announce this and follow it up with a huge paragraph saying how shit the game is, but that’s just what I do. EVE Online is approaching nearly as many expansion packs as Final Fantasy has sequels, and Final Fantasy is um… well… BETTER. This is their ELEVENTH expansion, so that kinda qualifies EVE to be called "EVE Online XII". Final Fantasy XIII is coming out soon… and that’s been going on for centuries. EVE has been going on for like… 12 years, which shows that they’re trying to get an expansion out exactly once every year, which means that they’re following strict deadlines, which means that the new content is gonna suck. It’s a basic rule of the games industry, the lower the amount of time spent on a game, the more it’s gonna suck donkey balls. A "good" amount of time is 2-4 years. Any less than that sucks, while any more than that is lollable and pointless. (SPORE. Not really worth the god-knows-how-many year wait…)
But, of course, I can recommend EVE Online to a certain audience! If your life is WAY TOO EXCITING and you need to chill out A LOT, AND you have money and life you want to throw away, then EVE Online is THE game for you. Don’t worry, in this new expansion, it’s EVEN HARDER to get started, because you start with about 50k skill points, not 800k! This "helps new players decide on their own destiny". BULL SHIT! If you start with less skill points, it’s going to take EVEN LONGER to get to a point where you can begin to start playing the game, and time costs money in EVE! Genius (but damned evil) plan on their part, get new players to spend even more money JUST to get to play the game.
And they keep blabbing on about how there are hundreds of things to do, when the horrible reality is… there are ONLY THREE THINGS TO DO! 1: Mine minerals, which is FECKING BORING, you might as well just buy a screensaver, because the maximum amount of human interaction is about once every five minutes… 2: Do missions, which are FECKING BORING, because chances are you WILL run into the same mission twice (or more) in the same day, and progressing to more exciting missions takes FOREVER… and 3: Go into low security space and blow up players, but that is IMPOSSIBLE, because when you’re new, 98% of players have BETTER EQUIPMENT THAN YOU. AND dying costs a ridiculous amount of money, AND it causes you to lose your ship AND all your weapons and modules… it’s like playing RuneScape in space!
The only way to try and progress in this game is to be bossed around by other players that you don’t even know in a corporation, but that’s not exactly exciting, because corporations do the same thing day in, day out anyway. If you’ve got friends who can help you out, that’s great, but it’s not like they can give you enough money to buy a good ship, because you need all the skills to use the ship, and skills cost time, and time costs REAL money. If you start the game together with friends, that’s cool, you can help each other with missions and mining, but you’ll still be bored… even if you have 100 friends who all start the game at the same time. It doesn’t matter how many people are in the corporation, everyone’s going to progress at the same rate… because everyone’s gonna be making the same amount of money…
The ONLY new features that entice me are the inclusion of Wormholes, which take you to new solar systems where you can mine rare minerals, BUT these wormholes WILL be ultra rare, and take you to low security space, where players with better equipment can own you easily. And you’ll be only able to mine the minerals with skills in a certain category, which you can only access when you’ve spent A LOT of time and money on the game.
The other one is an "epic mssion arc" which "starts from character creation". That’s great… because I’m (sort of) sure it will last some time and reward players with (okay) stuff. I think it’s the only part of the game that has the potential to be unique and have missions that aren’t the same. Then again, it’s probably STARTS at character creation, but isn’t ACCESSIBLE or POSSIBLE until you’ve advanced enough in the game. Now, if they were like World of Warcraft’s quests, and take quite some time to get boring, and it feels like you’re PROGRESSING when you’re doing the quests… then all would be good with playing EVE for a while. But, since endgame starts as soon as you finish the tutorial missions, and endgame is the worst part of any MMO, because it’s a waste of life and money and you’re not progressing towards any goal because there ARE no goals you can set yourself that are worthwhile… then technically, the worst part of EVE is all of it except for the first hour or so. At least the worst part of WoW was only after you’d hit Level 80…
Now, if only they could make a space MMO a bit like HAWX, where you actually have to use SKILLZ to win, instead of clicking buttons. That would be great, but you know… they have "technical limitations"?
I seriously want to make a currently unheard of "Action MMORPG" that is ACTUALLY GOOD, but I can’t, cuz I don’t have millions of pounds, I don’t have a team of 200 artists, programmers, writers and project managers, and I don’t have professional skillz in any of those fields myself. Ah well, hopefully someone will beat me to it… cuz I like the idea of MMORPG’s very much. I just don’t like ANY of the current ones, cuz they’re all extremely boring.
Anyway, that’s all. This blog post was courtesy of YouTube, showing me an ad for the new EVE Expansion. If there are any complaints, do please feel free to leave a comment, so I can laugh.