Eespeck to you!
With only two days… no! ONE day until Christmas, I just have to say one thing.
I actually TRIED to get everyone a present this year, and I FAILED HIDEOUSLY! Mainly because walking to town is near-suicide down my lane, and I was busy with Dragon Tail and playing fun games, but…
Well, I haven’t 100% failed! Here’s what I got everyone!
Brother – Socks! No, really! He needs them, he said, so I got him them!
Sister – UNDETERMINED! Maybe a pink digibox (she really wants one of those), or a pink bin for her new apartment, or a pink George Foreman grill! That’s if I can get any of these things in 23 hours.
Brother’s Fioncee (Spelling?!) – Something like a Toni+Guy type hair thing. Something girls use. See, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT’S CALLED!
AND THAT’S IT! I dunno what to get my dad or my mum, as usual, as they never actually suggest anything EVER. No, hang on, what am I saying?! We got them a present they’ll REALLY like! It’s a picture of me, my brother and my sister! And it cost 60 FRIGGIN’ QUID! Well, about £60, anyway, and we split the price, so, it wasn’t all that bad. Fun photo shoot, too!
And for my mates, sorry dudes! I know, I know, you all hate me. The only thing I CAN do is turbocharge Chapter 22 and put it here for Christmas! That’ll be my Christmas present to you! It’s not much… I don’t think… but it’s SOMETHING!
I was on about Assassins Creed in one of my last comments and its absolute CRAP AI. Should be called AS, Artificial Stupidity.
I was in the middle of an Informer mission, you have to assassinate people. I had to assassinate five people in five minutes without becoming exposed. Sounds easy enough, huh?
I thought it did, too! I was happily going along, owning three people, and taking out someone on the roof, and when I get to the final one, I walk past a guard who is NOT informed, and they yell "ASSASSIN!" and I become exposed and fail the mission! WHAT THE HELL?! An uninformed guard doesn’t attack you unless you kill someone right in front of them, barge into them, attack them, draw your weapon or do something "socially unacceptable"! I was just walking along! So how in hell’s name could he just say that I’m an assassin when I’m doing absolutely NOTHING wrong?!
I try again, and I get to the third person. Then, some drunken dick pushes me INTO a guard, and then ALL the guards yell "ASSASSIN!" and start ATTACKING ME! WHAT THE HELL?!
Third time, I get to the second person, and I accidentally kill him RIGHT IN FRONT of another guard! What does the other guard do? NOTHING AT ALL! I run, and watch, and all of a sudden he kneels down to the dead guard and goes "Who did this? Tell me!" WHAT IN HELL’S NAME?! I then walk past him while he’s informed, using blend, which is allowed. Amazingly, he didn’t attack! Suddenly, a drunken person pushes me, not into anyone, and the guard goes "GET HIM!" I thought "Hang on… the…" and then I stopped thinking because my screen flashed white and I was under attack by TEN GUARDS FOR BEING PUSHED BY SOMEONE ELSE! WHAT?!
I did eventually manage to do it, and when I got to the final assassination, after I watched the cutscene, all the guards started attacking me FOR NO REASON! I was just WATCHING SOMEONE! No-one saw me! The target ran off, and I ran after him. Then the AI… wait… AS that controlled my guy started spazzing at me. I ran towards an open doorway, being chased by at least 20 guards. The AS, instead of just running through the doorway to my target like I asked so I could hit the X button and own him quickly, the AS randomly thought "Oh, he wants to run up the door frame and jump off into the crowd of guards! Okay!" and THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED! THEN I got thrown off the edge of the castle wall into the sea after the AS didn’t even TRY and register my grab break after a guard grabbed me, and as my guy can climb walls, beat the crap out of eight thugs and kill 25 guards in one battle without breaking a sweat, he CAN’T SWIM. What an assassin this freak is.
Assassins Creed is great. It’s got good graphics (unless you’re on HD, then they’re INCREDIBLE), great gameplay (although SHITE replayability) and an okay story. But then it all goes hideously wrong when you think about the AI and the CHARACTERS. The main character, Altair, he can do EVERYTHING but SWIM, and he has a PUSSY voice! ‘Scuse my French, but he just sounds pathetic and predictable! Half the time you can finish his sentence FOR HIM! For example:
Altair: Wait, there is one thing more I need from you.
Man: What is it?
Carl: Your life!
Altair: Your life.
Carl: *SHING* Altair rams blade in!
Altair: *Rams hidden blade in man’s stomach*
Carl: And out it comes, and man falls down.
Altair: *Takes hidden blade out*
Man: *falls down*
Carl: *Licks finger and pretends to put out a match*
See? His voice is nearly as boring as Spyro, and that’s saying something! Yes, I hate Spyro’s voice actors, ALL OF THEM! They all SUCK!
This game didn’t deserve all the hype it got. Geez, everyone was peeing themselves over it, and it turns out to be slightly above average, all because of the AI and CHARACTERS ruining it! AGAIN!
Same with Halo 3! AI was STUPID, especially the guys on your team who seemed to think that the right way to the next area while they were driving was UP A WALL, and Legendary was only hard because snipers were programmed to nearly always hit you and all the damage they did was pretty much QUADRULPED from Normal mode. The characters had no soul at all, and the Master Chief was still just a dude called J**n in a suit of retardedly badly named armour called MJOLNIR! Sure, he looked cool, and sounded relatively cool, but you can get cooler photos of Spartans in Multiplayer, and the announcer in Multiplayer sounds EVEN COOLER THAN HIM! Come on, the announcer guy must have felt awesome as he recorded himself saying "Ovvverkillll!"
The Arbiter was the coolest, because he just looks brilliant, and he was NOT HUMAN! He was like a giant… alien… Covenant… THING! With a long neck, long fingers and hooves! And four parts to their mouth! He’s a THING! I DUNNO what to compare him to! And that’s great, ORIGINALITY! Cortana the AI… um… AS… S… was incredibly ANNOYING in Halo 3. She just kept popping up, slowing you down! It did your head in! Ending was pretty unpredictable really, so that was good. I won’t spoil it for you. It’s nothing incredibly special, anyway.
And Guitar Hero III? THAT was good, and deserved more attention than it got. The characters were just… weird rockers! They never spoke, and even in the cutscenes they only made random noises, like "Umale nye!" for "I want to produce music!" The news reader was just like "Scooby dop boop shawap doo, deebe da bop bop!" or something along those lines! They were HILARIOUS! And that’s what made them GOOD! They brought out feelings of amusement! The gameplay is brilliant, fun solo play, EXTREMELY fun co-op play, and EXTREMELY fun rivalry going on in competitive play! Battle Mode is crap if you’re on different difficulty levels, though, usually the one with the lowest skill ends up winning. Like me and Ped, he was on Medium, I was on Expert. Every time I used a powerup, the furthest he’d go in the Rock Meter is yellow before the powerup ran out. With me, he’d use the same powerup and I’d go into FLASHING RED! When we DID get to sudden death, we’d both get Death Drain at the same time, use it at the exact same time, and miss no notes between us, and I WOULD LOSE! So every time we went to Sudden Death, we just called it a draw.
And now, Guitar Hero 4 has been announced! EEEE! And with Rock Band coming next year and Christmas tomorrow, I feel I’m gonna crap myself with excitement!!
Earkay, I’d better go now, it’s pretty damned late. Specky Christmas! BYE!
(PS: A question, not a very nice one, but I still need to know; does the word "retch" mean "to throw up" or "to nearly throw up", or neither of these things? If anyone knows, can ya tell me? Thanks-a-rooney!)